Things that piss me off and need expressing. May cause offense
Time to reduce taxation and curb spending
Climate change levy this, additional bin collection fee that and now proposals for a community police levy. I’m sorry but isn’t this what I already pay rates and taxes for?
We’ve had years of Labour propaganda telling us that reductions in spending and tax cuts are the devils work resulting in food being taken from hungry grannies and new born babies kicked out of incubators.
Far better to just keep spending regardless of whether you can afford it or are actually making a difference. I mean really, who is going to question or criticise you when you are spending twice as much as the last party. Trouble is the money is being spunked on useless, trivial shit rather than getting to grass roots.
Take the NHS for example. Spending has doubled, if not trebled under Labour but can anyone say that the service has improved? Throwing money at something hand over fist doesn’t always solve a problem. It needs direction, it needs targeting.
Before we get inundated with even more pointless and insidious levies to generate more revenue for the government under the disguise of saving the environment, we need to get 10 decent, reliable and unbiased accountants to go through the governments figures and cut out all the unnecessary, indulgent spending that is throttling the country and it’s people. Maybe some of the things we could look at, along with others:
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We could cut back on childcare benefit to only cover the first child. In a world that is already overpopulated society will financially help you with your first born but after that it’s entirely up to you.
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Cut all NHS fertility treatment. I’m sorry you can’t have kids but if you want it badly enough then pay for it yourself, or adopt. Likewise cut all boob jobs on the NHS. I don’t care how low your self esteem is, if you want them done, pay for them yourself.
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Cap the entitlement to unemployment benefit to a maximum of 10 - 12 months. Society will help you get back on your feet again but not pay for you to put them up for the rest of your life. Maybe as a further incentive those that get to 65 or 70 and haven’t ever claimed it could receive a 4-6 months worth of benefit as a lump sum.
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The state employs one in five people in the
Curbing spending and reducing taxes always conjure dreadful images but its simple, basic household economics. Government spending is not a bottomless pit, certainly when we are footing the bill, and it’s about time with a lean period coming that we stop being excessive and start watching the pennies.
Late night pedestrian traffic lights
That even when I approach in the dead of night with not a soul around still seem to turn red for no apparent reason.
The notion that you aren't as clean/healthy if you haven’t been circumcised
I think circumcision is ridiculous myself.
Why expose something that nature/evolution has obviously intended for you to have covered to either make a covenant with god or for the so called health benefits. What kind of god asks you to genitally mutilate yourself, or your children, to demonstrate your faith?
That aside I can't understand the notion of making something as sensitive as your helmet become as de-sensitised as your elbow.
What I find particularly annoying though are those that have been circumcised, or those that support it, being morally righteous that they are in fact cleaner than other males.
Let's be clear here. If you are someone that doesn't clean your knob, it's going to be dirty whether you have a foreskin or not. The only difference is the dirt that might get rubbed off through the friction of your underwear. Likewise if I clean my knob it’s more likely to get dirty when exposed is it not? And I don’t even want to think what it must be like for a baby with it’s exposed penis in a pooh filled nappy.
I spoke to a Jewish woman recently who was getting her son chopped. She said she thought it was barbaric but knew it had to be done for health and cleanliness reasons. I felt like saying 'so you are saying I've got a filthy knob?'
If my hands get dirty, I simply wash them. Before going to bed I brush my teeth. What I don't do is remove them so they don't get as dirty. I appreciate that the vast majority of males are intact, that it’s more widespread in
Camera’s and camera phones
This doesn't piss me off necessarily but I'm constantly amazed at the amount of girls that are snapping pictures like every 3 minutes when they are out in bars and clubs.
You can imagine them the next day perusing the 100's of pics they've taken and saying what an 'amazing' night they had. In reality they were so busy taking pics that they probably forgot to enjoy the night.
Charles de Menezes killing
I'm not saying that this guy deserved to die and there was obviously a breakdown/foul up in communication between the various officers but let's not forget that when his family make out that his character is being smeared that he was living here illegally.
We are not talking about someone forgetting to return home when his visa expired but someone going to the extremes of forging a stamp in his passport to continue his illegal residence here.
This guy was not the innocent little lamb that some have made out and maybe had he not been so jumpy about being rumbled for his illegal activity he would not have been shot.
Ethnic origin classifications on an application form
I don't have anything against this but I have to comment on the different sections I recently saw on an application form I downloaded
Black - African
Black - Caribbean
Black - Other (inc.mixed parentage)
White - (inc. Greek or Turkish)
Irish
Chinese
Indian
Pakistani
Bangladeshi
Other
I'm sorry but since when have the Irish ever been a separate ethnic group from White? If Greeks and Turks come under white then why the hell wouldn't the Irish?
Lewis Hamilton relocating to Switzerland
Why don't you just admit that it's purely financial driven rather than taking the public for fools and fobbing people off with a 'escaping the media attention' line of bollocks.
It's up to him if he wants to go but a little honesty would have done him more favours than this ridiculous sham of an excuse.
Funny how he could have quietly gone to
24 hour licensing, dangers of alcohol blah, blah
I see another think tank/university has taken the time to research the dangers of the next evil drug - alcohol.
And surprise, surprise apparently it's bad for us and the reason the 'binge' culture is getting worse is down to cheap drink and 24 hour licensing. Naturally the only available remedy is to increase tax on alcohol and reduce licensing hours.
I'm sorry but does anyone know of or have been to these JD Wetherspoons offering 99p alcopops to underage kids 24/7? Despite all the fanfare when 24 hour licenses came in I don't know of a single establishment that operates with it.
Signing of the new EU treaty
I have to say in a time when many politicians complain that people don't vote or take an interest in world affairs today’s EU treaty signing is utterly outrageous.
France and Denmark voted in a national referendum that they didn't want the EU constitution and it was widely known that the UK would have voted the same way had we been given the chance yet basically the same thing that was thrown out is now being put in place regardless of the populations opinion.
This completely smacks in the face of MP's bleating that if you don't vote you don't have a say. The people spoke. They don't want it. But fuck that, we are still going to push it through.
It’s just fundamentally wrong. An issue put to the populace is voted against yet it’s still pushed through.
What greater show that the EU is just some bloated, bureaucratic, self serving mess than this signing and the fact that for the 13th year on the trot the financial accounts could not be signed off because they were full of so many holes.
Militant postmen
And so they are striking again. Well just like firemen I've no sympathy for them or their ‘plight’. Always bloody striking and never giving any thought to the future. So they have to modernise their working practices, so what? If they don't Royal Mail will slowly become more and more defunct and their gravy train jobs will slowly disappear as the company goes to the wall.
Let them cling onto their militant bullshit and when they are out of a job because no uses Royal Mail anymore they can maybe think 'I wonder why the company went under'. With their mentality though they'd just blame management as they always do.
I never understand why so many people swallow the continuous line of 'it's not our fault, it's the nasty management'. Why are they always held as honest, ever reliable, can’t do anything wrong, working class heroes always being exploited by fat cat management?
The people in management positions aren’t all Alan Sugars, John Harvey Jones or wet behind the ears
No, no, no. They want everyone to stay the same because as soon as others are promoted to a higher level they suddenly become the enemy whose sole purpose is to exploit the lowly graded workers for their own end. Maybe if they could engage their brains for more than a second they might comprehend that a fair chunk of the management have a vested interest in the whole company succeeding.
It’s this endless, tiresome tirade of ‘them and us’ with these big unions that is so frustrating. It’s not slave labour, no one has press ganged people into doing that particular job and the days of having one job, school to retirement, and it changing to suit the employee are long gone.
Thousands of people year in year out get made redundant or 'let go' when small to medium companies go out of business and they just have to pick themselves up and get on with it. Just because these union dominated monoliths like to command power and media exposure somehow their members are meant to be more precious than other people. Somehow they need to handled with kid gloves and wrapped in cotton wool.
Life isn't about everyone changing to accommodate you. It's about you going out and doing what needs to be done. Adapting, making yourself employable, committing to hard work. No one has a RIGHT to employment and it isn't written anywhere that you MUST receive a pay rise every year. They should be grateful they are being offered any form of increase.
Obesity is not an individuals fault
According to a new study on obesity, individuals can no longer be held responsible for being overweight so the government must act now to stop
Really, in today’s society how can anyone claim that they aren't aware that being hugely overweight is detrimental to your health?
The problem, in the main, stems from irresponsible parents giving their kids a packet of skips and a tango for breakfast, making fast food an everyday meal as opposed to a treat and not willing to commit the time to cook a proper meal or take them out for walks, play etc.
It’s just another excuse for PC do-gooders to talk about taxing food, games consoles & Sunny D and bleating on about how selling playing fields caused this whole thing and schools should offer more lettuce sandwiches and broccoli risottos.
Unshaved nasal hair
My bug bear isn’t with nasal hair although that is a real pain. What I can never understand are older men who have a shave to obviously appear clean shaven and to look trim and tidy but then do nothing about the thicket sprouting out of each nostril.
I mean if they had a beard and didn’t care I could understand but if they shave their top lip the razor will be touching the dangling broomstick and you’d think they would consider trimming it. Even if they couldn’t get the scissors or the little electric razor you can buy you would think they would have a crack with their existing razor.
How can they review their face afterwards to check if they’ve missed a bit and not notice the dangling growth. Why worry about stubble when the rest looks like the bush you got dragged through? Why as well do their wives never tell them to take care of it?
Impatient drivers
I'm not a slow driver. When the opportunity presents itself I certainly won't dawdle down the road and have had my share of speeding tickets. What bugs the living shit out of me is people who are so desperate to get past you to gain an all important 20 feet.
I'll be on the roads late at night sometimes, where the lateness normally means the roads are emptier, yet people still have got to be up your arse, pulling alongside at traffic lights so they can get infront and even overtaking when you've pulled in for an emergency vehicle to go past. I could understand if the roads where completely clear in front of me and I was holding them up but that isn't the case.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to get where you are going quicker but those that can't wait and show a little patience really boil my piss.
"Chilled funky house"
I really don't like the pretensious twats who when asked what music they like, always respond with the all encompassing statement 'chilled funky house'.
Instead of looking hip and cool as you hope, you come across as a boring bastard whose taste in music is purely governed by what you think others think you should be listening to.
Continuous government enquiries whose only purpose is to hide blame
What is it with these never ending, self serving, money wasting enquiries that are always requested by ministers and members of the opposition.
When we had the fiasco with the navy personnel selling their stories to the papers the minister in charge of the debacle stood up in the Houses of Parliament and apologised for it happening. He then called for an enquiry into how it happened.
I'm sorry, why do we need an enquiry? You've just admitted you fucked up and have said sorry for doing so. What's the point in taking responsibilty for the incident with an admission of guilt if you then say you have to launch an enquiry to ascertain what went wrong?
The need for premium cornflakes
Man I am tired of shaking out a bowl of cornflakes to be greeted with a bowl of birdseed. Where are the big wide flakes that I always see on the cover of the box? Open my bag to look inside and it's nothing but a collection of 1mm wide dust flakes that set into a paper mache as soon as you introduce the milk.
If there was anyway that they could produce a packet that contained only the big fat flakes that I always see shaken into the bowl on the TV adverts then I would happily pay more for my cereal.
Losing our late night TV
When I was very young the
Now though as I get older things seem to be reverting back to my early youth. I'll come in from a night out, flick on the telly and there is simply nothing to watch but a plethora of telephone quiz shows. Have I gone back in time, what happened to TV evolution? From a time when it could keep me watching into the early hours, come midnight and they might as well display the test card for the entertainment value those shows offer and I've nothing to do but switch off and go to bed. If this continues I'll have to start reading again.
Beware. Big brother is watching
I never normally succumb to a lot of the liberal moanings about being watched and our civil liberties being eroded but we recently received at the office a TV license demand purely because a colleague had had a TV delivered here.
How outrageous is it that they could so brazenly access retail shop records to see that you've bought a telly to then contact you for payment. Shocking and it must surely constitute an infringement of the data protection act.
The teaching of unimportant crap in our schools today
Our schools might be not be so poor if they concentrated on teaching our kids the solid basics of maths, english, geography etc rather than filling their heads with populist shit that changes from year to year. The state can't teach our kids everything so it should concentrate on what’s important and is relevant to all the kids. Leave the stuff like gays, sex, religion etc to either the parents or when the kids are a lot older.
I do get tired of these people who want to be parents yet when it comes to fulfilling their duties of educating their children on 'certain' things simply wash their hands and says it the schools jobs.
We've got kids leaving schools unable to add, sensibly write or know where
We can't teach our kids everything in one go and life can be pretty boring if you aren't learning new things and changing opinions throughout your entire life. What is the rush to learn know everything by the age of 14.
The Royal Marines that recently got taken prisoner by Iran
How the hell did the Marines get taken? They are supposed to be armed and under radar cover of the HMS Cornwall. How could the Iranians just creep up on us?
The Marines are soldiers, trained to fight, so why didn't they resist being taken? Did they really believe that being taken hostage by the Iranians would be a good thing.
A bearded Terry Waite wandering down
15 armed Royal Marines - should be slightly harder.
The danger of banning certain words
“The
Banning, or trying to ban, this word creates a dangerous precedent in my opinion. Although the word might be deeply offensive to older generations of black people it is something that is used more frequently by black and white youths nowadays.
There is an argument that it’s continued use through the generations would slowly ‘water down’ the impact it had until one day maybe it evolved paradoxically from a dismissive word to one of brotherhood / greeting ie “my nigga”. Banning it’s use would lead inversely to it gaining more potency to offend. Every time someone was remonstrated for using it, an explanation of why it was banned would be needed, further perpetuating it’s strength.
There is also the issue that if you ban a word to prevent offending a community then that very community needs to demonstrate the responsibility to self govern it’s usage. By this I mean removing it from an entire music genre and cultural scene. I can personally vouch from feeling uncomfortable when I played a rap song in the office that unknown to me contained liberal usage of the word when a black work colleague was present.
Granted I wasn’t saying the word and it wasn’t even a white man on the track saying it but by being responsible for it being played could I somehow be accused of supporting it? If the word causes enough offence to warrant banning then why can it only do so when uttered by a white person. If I was alone, singing along and didn’t stop when I hit the word would I be a racist?
In the Oxford English dictionary the word means a black person yet there is a box underneath stating “The word nigger is very offensive and should not be used”. This usage warning does not accompany any other rude words I could find, be it paki, fuck or cunt. I thought a dictionary’s role was to simply provide the spellings and meanings of words, not guidance on their usage.
I know it’s an emotional and delicate matter when a word can signify the subjugation of a race but although the motive might be for the best intentions the long term effects will be counter productive. We are on the precipice of dangerous ground. Banning a single word is a short step from banning a selection of words and all that implies.
We must not forget that a word is simply a word and not a weapon. It’s use and context of it’s usage will allow you to draw your own conclusions on the nature of the person who is saying it. Hence just as we all have the freedom to draw an opinion on someone who uses it then in turn they must have the freedom to use that word if they wish, no matter how repellant it is to some.
There is no quick fix and I think calm, rational heads and a long term perspective are needed rather than opportunistic, politically correct posturing. Making an issue out of the word only serves to make more of an issue out of it.
The increasing tax burden and the public's compliance in accepting it
With the announcement of another tax from Gordon Brown to help 'save the planet' the tax burden continues to grow. The current tax burden is the highest it's been for 25 years and the average family now pays £5,000 a year more in tax than in 1997. According to ONS figures £23.60 of every £100 earned is now taxed away, comapred to £18.70 in 1997.
It's frustrating that when people talk about the Thatcher years they angrily mention the poll tax yet find it hard to must a whimper at the ridiculous burden that we now face.
We have a spiralling national debt of over £525 billion, continually rising list of pointless, self serving quango's and civil servant positions and a hopeless chancellor who takes false credit for the economy but in reality spends money like it's going out of fashion whilst imposing tax's to appease current fads.
Why is the public so docile about demanding tax cuts? Is it because we have been so brow beaten into believing that if we do we are effectively asking for baby incubators to be switched off. The country can be run far more efficiently for less money but thinking so appears to be akin to devil worshipping.
The Beckhams in
I don't mind David but I really can't stand
TV phone-in quiz show questions
You already know my contempt for these cheap programmes but I was pleased to note recently that Ofcom stepped in with a ruling on the unfairness (read into this ridiculousness) of the questions on these shows. They sited one case which was 'things you would find in a woman's handbag' with an example answer given as a mobile phone.
Here are some of the actual answers: Plane tickets, ibuprofen, rubber band, false teeth, dog biscuits, rawlplugs and surely the best balaclava.
How long will it be before this zero entertainment, maximum racketeering crap will be removed.
People who can only get petrol on one side
What is it with these blinkered, retarded individuals who can only get petrol from the side of the car that the filler cap is on. Have they never looked at the hoses and noticed that they are either extendable or supported from an elevated position to allow them to reach across to the other side.
They'll happily queue for ages to wait for one on the correct side and I even saw someone recently get out to glare accusationaly at the person in front when there was a bank of four empty pumps on the left handside. Some may say 'oh it won't stretch round' - well that's because you've probably parked about two feet away from the bloody pump. Morons.
Time working against you
Why is it that whenever you take the time to get up earlier than normal to get into work earlier, that your efforts are always completely eroded by excessive traffic, impromptu roadworks etc.
I tried to come in early last week and got stuck behind a tractor, dumper truck and two milk floats. It's like the film Final Destination where if you cheat death it still finds you. If you try to cheat time, it finds you and restores the order.
I ended up actually getting into work later than I would have had I left at the normal time.
Pay league of World Cup 2006 managers
The burglar that Tony Martin killed
I don't have a jot of sympathy for the guy who died. If you break into someone's house and break the law then you take your chances.
To be honest the world is a better place for there being one less piece of low life shit who assumes that because he hasn't got it, it's alright for him to just take it.
Mindless call centre drones that religiously read from a script
I appreciate that some call centre workers are dribbling morons who need to work from a script but it is comical yet frustrating when their reading from the script completely ignores the conversation you've just had with them.
I had one recently where I phoned TNT with a business query which they couldn't answer because the account had been archived and needed to be re-activated. I therefore would need to call back in half an hour when it was back up and running.
Fair enough but they then followed with "Is there anything else I can help you with" - well obviously not.
Movie soundtrack albums that are 'inspired by' a film
I wouldn't say that I have a problem with these although they do always seem to be full of half arsed tracks that would never float if released on their own. No, my greivance is the way the record company highlights the fact that it is not the actual soundtrack but the 'music inspired by' version in the smallest point copy they can find. Sometimes they are even kind enough to use exactly the same cover picture and artwork as the actual soundtrack to further add to the confusion.
The Ultimate, limited edition, all conquering, no really this is the last Bond release
How many times are they going to re-release the James Bond films on DVD?
We've had the vanilla ones, the normal ones, last year we had the limited edition in the attache case with the co-ordinated spines and now we have the ultimate edition. What's next the super duper, incredible, access all areas editions.
With a new film coming out in November that will then be released in completely different packaging when they re-re-re-release the whole series again next year who the hell is gullible enough to buy these?
Thermometers on toasters and water coolers
Were these calibrated by the same blind person because it seems you only ever receive warm bread / dried carbon or artic flow / geothermal steam. Why is there never a happy middle ground.
Buying coke or lemonade from a pub
Unless you actually see it tipped from a bottle is there really any point in getting soft drinks from a pub.
Watered down, tasteless, over or under carbonated piss that bears no resemblance to what it is supposed to be. No wonder J20's and Red Bulls are so popular when the alternative is so crap.
Bullfighting
There are few sports (if you can even call it that) that sicken and enrage me more than bullfighting.
Pompous twats in ridiculous outfits posturing around the arena attempting to demonstrate their bravery and machismo to the baying audience when in fact the odds are all stacked in their favour and the bull doesn't stand a chance. Where is the courage in that I say.
Attacking a teased and fatigued bull with skewers and finally is sword is not fair or impressive and leaves me with nothing but the utmost contempt for those that practise and pay to watch it.
Women aspiring to be footballers wives
They don't want to be a wife or find a man to settle down with in a loving marriage, they just want to have loads of money to shop all day. Why don't they just admit that they want to be footballers widows so they can have all the money without the inconvenience of a relationship.
The
I confess to being caught up in the hype surrounding
Few, if any of our players, have the desire to play for the cause of something bigger than their egos or greed like their team and their country. So quick to make excuses to hide their poor performance on the weather, condition of the pitch etc. They have had a full month to prepare for this tournament including one week sunning themselves in
Sven’s lack of guidance and instilling of passion comes shining through with our lack of ability to close a game down and score goals in the second half. He’s a typical make doer. Score an early goal, sit back with a flat back ten for 80 minutes and then blame others when the opposing team dares to come at you and score a goal. His lack of backbone continues in his treatment of his players. He’s like a piss poor parent who assumes he can reason with his screaming, tantrum throwing, attention seeking child with soothing words and endless concessions. Here are players at a once every four year event yet they mustn’t be kept away from their loved ones. Why not?
It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to work out the positive effects of building a cohesive team with a binding spirit by keeping the guys together instead of allowing the fracturing and divisive nature of them leaving the campus to see girlfriends etc. This isn’t a work jolly but the world cup ladies and gentlemen. We are only talking a fortnight away from them, at the most four weeks if they were to make the finals. Yet these grown men can’t bear to be away from their partners for that long, pathetic. Are their relationships so fragile that a little distance will cause them to crumble?
This very issue to me is what’s rotten about this team. The constant caving in and appeasement to the stars who won’t tolerate any difficulties for their craft and consider themselves bigger than the team. Well they aren’t. A team of champions is all well and good but they will always be beaten by a champion team and the likes of
There is no pride in pulling on the shirt, no acceptance that personal sacrifices need to be made to attain success and no desire to put the advancement of the team before their own craving of personal glory.
Our apathetic
When I see the efforts that the nation goes to in supporting our team I do find our teams uninspiring performances very disheartening. I know that by posting this they will probably go all the way and win the cup, making me look an arse but if they do then that's a sacrifice I am happy to make.
People leaving an event before it has finished
I've never understood the mentality behind this. Ok you might want to get off but what is the point in attending the concert or film if you are so obsessed with getting away that you miss the end of it. What a complete waste of time and money. Why try and engage with something on a level if your craving for control prevents you from relaxing into it because you might be delayed ten minutes.
Red Bull imitations
They never taste anything like Red Bull and don't do the same job. They are normally so cheaply made that they substitute the real energy giving ingredients for another fifteen spoonfuls of sugar and four litres of fizz. It coats your teeth, sits uncomfortably in your stomach and delivers little or no energy. For all it's worth and taste you might as well drink a litre of cotton wool.
Municipal toilet paper
As if not enough that it's so thin that you need to fold it ten times to avoid accidental breaching, is completely waterproof and thus has no 'purchase' and comes in a serrated edged dispenser that looks like it belongs in the film Saw, it also seems to be no more than three inches wide leading to a huge increase in the risk of completely missing the target.
People claiming they've had huge rows in road rage incidents
The amount of times I've chatted to people who've said 'yeah I had this huge row with some arsehole on the road this morning'. I'm quite a trusting person really so I normally counter with 'Wow what happened, did you get out of the car?'
It's at this point where they start to back track by saying it was in fact a mouthing of words, then well maybe it was a gesticulated finger and in reality nothing more than a disgusted glare at the offender as they drove away.
Movie trailers
I know their job is to entice you in to see the film but whatever happened to them teasing you in. Now it seems they just run through the whole bloody movie. I saw Syriana recently and there was nothing new in the film that wasn't in the trailer which seemed to be in the same chronological order as the film . The Jarhead trailer currently running deliberatly gives the impression that it's some kind of action packed war film by showing the few moments of action and gunfire when it clearly isn't and the X-Men 3 trailer seems to show all of the money shots, like the
The Bond trailers always seem to run through a standard trailer tickbox system. Moody shot of bond, action shot of bond, bond girl exiting the sea or a swimming pool with water cascading from her body, dis-satisfied look from a superior, bad guy doing something bad, glance of marketable car/watch etc, bond kissing girl as he rolls over onto her in a dominant way, big explosion and a final look to camera.
Amazing how they want the trailer to be memorable to make you see the film but then assume you'll forget all that you saw just as you enter the auditorium. This never worked best than with The Two Towers. All the trailers showed Aragorn charging into battle at Helm's Deep as did the movie poster yet after seeing these we are meant to genuinely believe that he dies half way through the film (naturally forgetting of course that the third film is called Return of the King, which further killed any tension and revealed the shallow stunt for what it was).
The time when trailers were seductive, enchanting items that gave a hint but nothing more seem long gone.
Boy George
Conceited, arrogant, pretensious, hat wearing twat. Ok George, we know you are gay, you've been telling us for the last twenty years so can you just let it go now.
Inability to buy a full fat yoghurt
'Lite this, light that, half the fat / twice the taste' - Ok I know there's a market for the health conscious but what about the unhealthy conscious. I'd rather deny myself a yoghurt all week so that when I do eventually sin I can enjoy the creamyness of a full fat, sugar loaded yoghurt.
Does Muller not make a muller fat and why would I want a wholegrain biopot. I'm looking for a pleasant dessert not a new age detox to help me take a dump.
Rod Stewart
Just how many albums of covers is this man going to release in the twilight of his career.
Every Christmas he has one out which is basically the same as the previous year bar an additional song and some new packaging. Then around spring time he releases another album which is always either a 'timeless' collection of love songs or a 'legendary' selection of classics.
I know it must be hard affording the number of suits that he wears and the amount of product he has in his hair but jesus Rod, give us a break.
Cards with 'beautiful' words
I know I'm a misery but I can't stand these saccharine overloaded pieces of crap. When somebody spends an age choosing some over priced, over dramatic card with quill writing, embossed flowers and a paper inlay and then hands it to you or someone else saying 'the words are just lovely' I just want to sigh. Yes but they aren't your words and they aren't special. They are mass produced and repeated to millions of other people.
I'd so much rather read a plain, basic card where someone had hand written 'I miss you/I love you/Well done etc' and I know that for that moment that person was thinking about what they wrote and thus it comes from them, no matter how short or sweet . I'm all for lovely words but rather if they have come from that individual as opposed to an anonymous, nameless writer. Words lose their power when little or no thought is put behind them.
People walking and eating
I know that as a race it's great that we have thumbs and the ability to walk upright but I really can't stand seeing people walking and eating. There are few things more unsightly than seeing some cap wearing chav wandering along munching down on a paper wrapped, sauce oozing burger or rummaging around in a grease covered box of fried chicken.
If it's not bad enough that I have to see the loosely gripped item of food that they are shovelling into their craw, it's seeing the part chewed remainder in their mouth as they shout to a fellow yob or dribble into their ear pressed mobile phone.
I know I sound a misery but there is a time and place to eat and unless you are tabbing across wild terrain or fleeing a horde of zombies in a post apocalyptic nightmare then it doesn't need to be when you are walking.
Things that piss me off in nightclubs (high street & dance)
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People wearing rucksacks and puffer jackets (why?)
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arrogant bouncers
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rugger/rugby types herded together in scrums with their matching jerseys, sleeves pulled up the forearms, collars turned up, waistband too tight and body odour too rampant
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people attempting to push in at the bar
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predatory males in leather jackets or over produced hair styles who encircle girls and then just stare at them
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high street DJ's who play the obscure 12 minute Italian piano remix of a pop song to highlight their cool
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overblown back stretches or on dancefloor body massages for those who have hardly moved a muscle all night
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ghost farters who cut the cheese in your immediate locale and then vanish
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dancefloor monkeys wildly waving around lit cigarettes 'yeah blowing the smoke in my face is fine but I'd rather you not burn a hole in my shirt or take out my eye thank you'
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people who pay for drinks using credit cards which almost trebles the waiting time for everyone else
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bags, coats or jumpers heaped on the floor to fell passing pundits
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the fact that wherever I stand I'm always on the invisible path that everyone seems compelled to use to cross the nightclub
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people who barge past without the merest hint of courtesy or 'excuse me'
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having to say 'no thank you' at least 15 times to a multitude of over-zealous
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guys who still believe that excessive dirty male sweat is attractive to women and then choose to stand close to you
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people that are unwilling to move when you DO politely ask to get past
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glasses or bottles just dropped on the dancefloor leading to dancing instability and/or broken limbs
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idiots who either just completely stop for no reason when you are walking behind them or push their way onto the dancefloor to then stand motionless right infront of you
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slipping down or tripping up the over worn and almost threadbare carpeted stairs
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door latches in toilets that simply do not work
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wet, sticky bars that give you nowhere to lean your arm/hands while you wait an eternity to be served
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prats who confuse their cheap bottle of lager with an F1 drivers champagne bottle when Madness comes on and they soak everyone in a five metre radius
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morons who were never made aware of the boundaries of personal body space at school and are able to position themselves an inch from your face and remain oblivious to your presence
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the fact that the club is full of honeys yet the only thing rubbing past is some gurning, sweating, shirtless chav
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and the fact that every time I leave a club I always do so emptyhanded!
Positioning of food within packaging
Pick up what looks like a nice pack of meat, chicken etc and you can guarantee that the unseeable part underneath the label will be a mass of tendons, veins and gristle. Just like how the section of pizza visible through the 'window' of the box with be loaded full of toppings yet the remainder will be a barren wasteland devoid of anything bar a tin veneer of tomato paste and some knackered cheese.
The above results in the more anally retentive members of society, myself obviously included, huddled over refrigerated supermarket cabinets endlessly shaking food packets in a pathetic attempt to view those tangibly close but hard to see concealed areas.
Underfilled pre-packaged sandwiches
They manage to cram all the ingredients in the front inch of the sandwich creating the impression of an overstuffed sandwich and then have almost nothing else in the remaining 85% of the sandwich. Indeed because of the 'cramming' at the front it's almost impossible to remove just one of the sandwiches without the other falling out and into your lap.
Over dramatization of mediocre documentaries
I saw a documentary last night about the Challenger disaster. A sad and tragic accident. Yet whereas 10 years ago the facts would have been compiled in a tight and stimulating, factually presented documentary it seems that makers now feel the need to continually 'sex things up'.
We get second rate actors taking on the roles of key individuals and chewing up the scenery to deliver dumbed down recreations of their actions, even though we also have the actual person providing a commentary. All of this done to ensure that even the most retarded viewer doesn't lose the crux of the narrative. To further flesh out the length of the programme we get reminders and recaps every five minutes of the same event (in this case a presidential commision) all shot from differing angles to increase the 'drama'. It gets to the point where the makers are so aware that the show has been going on for so long that they have to remind you of the name of the person they are speaking to in case you fell asleep during an earlier part.
There used to be a time when I was younger that I would watch QED or Horizon, glued to the screen in awe as my brain quickly tried to digest all the things that were being delivered to me. In essence this encouraged me to think quicker and/or find out more information on the subject if it interested me. Nowadays I'm lucky if I haven't slipped into a comatose state by the second advert break or turned over in frustration to watch Celebrity trampolining 4 or Motorway Patrols on ice.
Just a further indication of the continued dumbing down of the media and tv to appeal to the lowest common imbecile.
When your body works against you
You've got a special date or a big party coming up on which you naturally want to look your best. You will maybe get some new clothes, get your hair done and maybe for a week or so beforehand drink more water than normal, eat less chocolate and sweets and eat more fruit and vegetables. Two days before the event you get a little tingling on your face and a spot decides that this would be a great time to make an appearance.
You are then left with the dilemma on whether to go for an early strike and kill it with everything you have, though this could make it worse or hope instead that a short, sharp shock an hour or two before departure will be a better course of action. Either way it can be demoralising as it seems your body is deliberately trying to ruin your night out.
The notion that everyone else is always having a better time
Maybe this is caused by FHM and Loaded trumpeting that every bar/club that they visit in any town is rammed full of gagging, willing young girls desperate for blokes.
Cases in point: Hot saturday afternoon at around 4 ish, the shops are devoid of buns, burgers and drinks and the roads deserted as everyone else, bar you, seems to be enjoying 'The OC' style barbeques; The night when you decide not to go out but happen to drive through town to see the streets and your regular haunts just heaving with scantily dressed honeys; How everyone else's friends weddings, birthday parties, christenings etc are populated by countless single beautiful women who weren't going to attend but just turned up at the last minute or how everyone elses workplace has an unfair ratio of lovely, single women.
Of course this leads you to wonder whether a) you are an ugly, unsociable twat that no one likes and hence aren't invited to these magical places or b) that in reality they don't exist, friends are exagerrating and the magazines are simply lying to make you feel like you are missing out.
Guys that don't walk on the outside of a woman
I do get bemused at the amount of guys who don't walk on the outside of a woman when walking along the pavement. I know that the practice is considered very old fashioned, starts from the whole 'sword arm thing' and is more a supposed show of chivalry but I think it has just as much relevance today.
A road with moving cars on it can be a dangerous place and naturally being closer to it presents slightly more danger than being further away. To this end it seems only right that a guy should walk on the more dangerous side to protect a lady in the event of an incident. Granted if an articulated lorry mounted the curb you'd both probably die but there is a greater chance that the person furthest from the oncoming danger would survive. The guy also might have time to shove her out of the way before anything happened.
If an accident happened and a woman was injured and I was not because she was on the 'roadside' I would feel terrible and even moreso if she was a loved one. Therefore is it really that strange that I, or any other man, protective of a loved one or the fairer sex should walk on the outside?
Women walking alone at night
I realise that this is a day and age of womens liberation and females being empowered but it is also an age of crime and sexual attacks. Who are these people who let single girls walk home alone in the middle of the night.
Somethimes I might be driving home late at night at around 11 or 12ish, mid week and I'll see a girl walking alone. She'll not be staggering or swaying as if she's run off from a group or suddenly left a swinging party but just head down marching home.
If I'm in the company of a girl whether a friend, girlfriend or someone I've just met then it's my job to ensure that they get home safely. I'm not trying to be domineering or chauvinistic just trying to do the right thing and make sure that 'when on my watch' they don't come to any harm. My brother is 14 years younger and has exactly the same attitude.
Do these women have boyfriends or coupley friends who are happy to send them walking off in the dead of night with a wave goodbye and a quick retreat to their comfy, warm and safe bed?
I know Big Brother wasn’t a complete cross section of society but Lesley claimed she admired Jordan, Kinga was reading her 'brilliant' autobiography, Makosi claimed to be an African Jordan (or something like that) and Saskia was lauding her achievements and saying what a great woman she was.
Did you ever see that programme with her and Peter Andre, christ what a chav. Temper tantrums, moodiness, no sense of humility and even in the company of someone she apparently loves she always had to have the upper hand or the last word. I saw them once on skinner and her face was so coated in makeup that I couldn't tell where her face ended and the brown leather sofa began. Horrible creature.
Anarchists at G8 conferences
They go to every G8 or world trade conference. Start a riot and then blame the police for being heavy handed. If you don't want trouble then why are you throwing stones, bottles or park benches at the police?
They claim to be doing it for the children of
In future what city is ever going to want to hold a conference like this? I don't know why they don't announce the venue at the last minute and make it in
One minute they are peace loving hippies, the next violent, rampaging eco 'warriors'. And you always get the 'mother earth', multiple beaded, dreadlocked hair character that takes her baby onto the front line and then complains about the distress caused to her child while she was picking buttercups. Tear gas in the eyes, water cannon in the nuts and a baton smashed over the back of their heads is all they deserve.
Punks kids with modified cars
Mod cars are for cap wearing, chav wannabees in my opinion. I'd rather have a nothing car than something ridiculously modified with a huge spoiler, spinning alloys, neon under lights, lighted bonnet washers etc.
You can only hope that when they stack the car into a wall when 'smokin' the wheels to impress a KFC eating 14 year old that the insurance refuses to pay out because they didn't declare their modifications.
Firemen
I used to see there halos and look up to them but as I’ve grown older I’ve become more cynical and just don’t like them anymore.
They get paid more than enough but think they are worth more, are guaranteed a shag or at least gratuitous flirting from virtually every girl once they discover their profession with all the related hose, helmut and pole gags, have everyone proclaiming how brave they are even though they are the ones who volunteer for the job, are paid to read the papers and play snooker while they wait to put out the next car fire, will claim overtime to put out a candle and worst of all don’t really seem to fight fires anymore.
They survey a scene before fighting a fire and if there is the merest hint of danger they back away. They aren’t brave just calculated risk assessors. Yes you cut a lot of people out of mangled cars but this is hardly heroic and certainly no more important than the paramedic who will look after you in the ambulance.
A member of the public running into a burning building with nothing but a blanket over them to rescue someone is heroic, doing it with a shit load of training, breathing apparatus, water spraying down on you, a raft of union health and safety regulations and expensive machinery backing you up is just a job in my eyes and one I might add that they volunteered for.
Ewan McGregor
What a grade A’ jism monkey he is. Not content with always having to get his knob out in any film role apart from star wars he then loudly proclaims to want to get away from it all by driving across Russia on a motorbike to rekindle a spirit of adventure but then takes an entire film crew, with sponsorship from BMW and then releases a DVD of the whole thing. Amazing from someone who wanted to just do something for himself.
Overly camp gays
So people are gay, so what. It might have had shock value in the 60's/70's but now it's just so tedious.
Not all gays, but a fair portion still seem to bleat on about how they are picked on or treated differently. Most of the time they want to be treated differently and because many are such shallow, attention seeking twats they have to camp it up prancing around like Morris dancers without the uniforms or bells.
Craig from BB was a classic example. I wouldn't hate him because he's gay but just simply because he's a self absorbed, spiteful, annoying prick. I would dislike him regardless of his sexuality.
It seems that if a gay is describing himself then being a homosexual would be one of his first words, as if that is the only thing that makes him what he is. To me a person is made up from a lot more important attributes than his sexuality.
And the gay pride marches, Jesus Christ why do you need a march to exhibit to everyone your sexual preference. My sexual preference is girls with big tits. Maybe I should arrange a march to prove to the world that I'm proud of loving large breasts and I'm not ashamed of it.
Baggage handlers
What a bunch of lazy bastards they are.
They call an illegal strike to support people they don't even now, they smash up your suitcases during the simple task of transferring your case from a conveyor belt to a vehicle and to the plane, if they like the look of your case they may well pop it open and have a rummage or give it a good kicking if they can't get in it and they always take forever to empty the bloody plane.
I mean how difficult can it be. You can't need a business degree or GNVQ in handling; it’s simply moving one thing to another. The job must be a piece of piss yet they are always striking or moaning.
Food fascists
Eat what you want to eat but don’t berate me for liking McDonalds ‘muck’ and unhealthy ‘red meat’ and then consider yourself morally superior for eating GM free, organic potatoes and reduced salt / fat / sugar free baked beans.
Yes you might live three years longer than me but if those years are 90 – 93 then you are welcome to them because I’d rather enjoy a burger, a coke and a smile than be an all natural, mother earth, boring sanctimonious prick.
And that Spurlock guy. Eating any fast food for a solid month isn't going to be good for you. I'm sure the results would have been equally bad if he'd just pigged out on fish and chips. They were an easy target and he scored an easy goal. Maybe I'll have a wank three times a day for a month and then blame/sue playboy for my loss of vision.
It's just a continuation of blame culture going mad. Because people cannot display any form of discipline or self control it's now the providers fault for selling the goods as opposed to the spineless individuals who are buying and shoveling them down their necks.
One final thing that seems to never get a mention. The film was called supersize me yet he was only offered to supersize 9 times over the course of the 30 days yet he bought food from McDonalds 90 times (3 a day). I had a quarter pounder with cheese meal on Friday night and by jove it tasted great.
Pretentious university twats
Yes, you may be more skilled in a particular subject but it doesn't make you more worldly wise or better than anyone else.
I know not everyone is like this but christ the amount of university educated arsewipes that I've met recently who consider themselves so intellectual and important yet possess the communication and inter-personal skills of an infant is amazing.
University and degrees are useful and necessary for some jobs but too many twats use their attainment of a degree as some kind of badge of intelligence that makes them feel better or more elevated than those that don't.
Some people don't do this and use the university experience for the correct reasons but I must say that the majority I have met have been self absorbed, conceited fuckwits.
Alan Sugar
Yes, you might think that National Savings are a great idea but does that mean you have to trumpet how your fee is going to charity.
To see that bearded prat smugly proclaiming that his fee is going to great
Charity is something you do for yourself not to impress others with you pretentious, vain, arrogant, conceited cock.
The IRA
Oh how great that they are claiming to have destroyed all their weapons. What, like a couple of showpiece World War 1 Lee Enfields and the odd hand grenade?
Will the supposed assortment of destroyed weapons also include the multitude of sawn off shotguns that they now use for their organised crime and numerous bank raids that the government seem determined to turn a blind eye to.
Mariah Carey
Fake tits that are closer to her armpits than each other, an ego the size of
One recent album was called 'return of the voice' - what arrogance.
The news that some of the passengers who survived the recent BA plane crash at Heathrow are considering suing for emotional trauma is disappointing I think. Further examples of our culture becoming as money obsessed and litigious as
Not content with having a great story to tell and a renewed example of the preciousness of life, now they want to get what they can in the form of cash.
It would be interesting to know what their answer would have been when if as they were coming into crash land they were offered.
50/50 chance that you survive and then you can sue for compensation or 100% that you survive but you can't then sue
How many would have taken the first option at that point I wonder?
Christ, you know when somebody has screwed up and bought cheap arse kitchen roll when as you try to pull a piece off it tears in the middle of the feeble leaf rather than at the purposely designed, weaker perforated edge.
Michael Moore
I’ve never liked this guy. He tries to be a serious documentarian, campaigning for civil liberties but in reality he’s just a fat, bullying, crowd pleasing arse who enjoys bending, manipulating and flat out lying on facts and figures to support his tenuous arguments.
His films are so clearly one sided that sitting through them you can’t help but begin to form questions against his validity rather than his argument. I’ve always had this feeling and it was good to see this born out in a Newsnight interview that he recently conducted over here whilst promoting his latest film Sicko.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LePgSxmI3U
Concerning the film his arguments are just so full of bull it’s incredible. He prattles on about how great the NHS is and how it’s everyone’s right in the
I’m proud of the NHS, I’m glad we have it and I wouldn’t like to see it go. However when Moore paints this rosy picture he seems to forget or be unaware that the NHS isn’t funded by some reclusive billionaire, that it has it’s faults, that the money isn’t endless and that it’s inception in 1948 although admirable did not exactly assist our post war recovery.
He also claims that people in the
His utter lack of credibility though was fully revealed in his response to the questions from the newsreader. When faced with a decent opening question his response was to laugh like a village idiot and claim that the questioner was whining. No, he was asking an intelligent, adult question to which you are responding like a floundering child. This was further highlighted when it was pointed out that