The Hooded Fingerer is a character that came about when I entered the UK Air Guitar Championships back in August 2007. We had been along to see the first show in 2006 but only then as members of the enthusiastic audience.

With three days notice and the help of good friends I decided to enter the 2007 event and roll the dice of fate. I returned to the championships again in 2008. After this I thought The Fingerer had strummed his last air chord but was then asked to appear in a music video for the song 'Rocking Clubber'.

Amazingly this was followed a few months later with a request to attend the televised London auditions of Britain's Got Talent 2009. I did explain at the time that I didn't think it qualified as a talent but was rather a prat running around the stage in a red leotard. They however thought it would be fun, entertaining and great for TV.

The following are the relevant journal entries pertaining to those four air-pearances (see what I did there!) with the most recent first and links to videos where available. I've only done this to make reading about The Hooded Fingerer slightly easier than wading through the journals, though feel free to track them down that way it you want the full evolution.

The video doesn't show how on the actual show it then cut to the judges and you see Simon saying how he doesn't get it and it's silly. Amanda is agreeing with him but then you hear Stephen say "someone is telling porkie pies Amanda" and you cut to her performing an Air Guitar routine in the 'Man or Amanda' challenge. It's almost as if the show was on my side.

It's good that it showed how utterly dis-interested Simon was before I started and how he literally gave me one chord of grace before buzzing with Amanda following soon after. I guess the guy really doesn't like Air Guitar.

I just liked how it showed Stephen and I playing off each other backstage and how he seemed to be finding it just as funny and entertaining. I think my favourite shot has to be at 1:41 where you've got me in the foreground, the judges to the left and the audience beginning to stand up and clap in front of me. I might not have got through or been given the chance to perform the whole routine but that one moment shows that I rocked the Hammersmith Apollo!

Seeing it now on TV and the reaction of friends and family, who all seemed to love it, makes all the deliberation, planning and 'fretting' worthwhile. As ever my thanks go out to those who supported me and helped make it happen.

Britain's Got Talent. London auditions. January 2009

The show was on Thursday, so Tuesday night was a rehearsal and Wednesday a full dress rehearsal. This was performed in front of P and M and threw up some feedback and necessary changes. I think there was too much concentration on hitting certain moves and it needed to be simplified. I had thought about putting a jump in somewhere but realised I was then waiting for it to happen, which was affecting the whole routine. There needed to be more movement, more swagger and cockiness. I needed to 'own' the stage as a lead guitarist would.

The dress rehearsal allowed me to check that things weren't getting caught or leading to problems. The hood did catch a couple of times on my head but this was because I wasn't throwing my head back hard enough. It seemed as if my body was trying to throw up it's own problems with a tweak of a groin strain, a slightly sore ankle from an ill prepared jump and my right knee (the one that has been operated on) going a little stiff and puffing up. I had also thought it a good idea to start wearing my boots in the days leading up to the event so that my body could adjust to the extra weight. This was born out on how on the first day of having them on I seemed to 'clomp' around the office. I even took to using Neutrogena cleansing cushions and evening applications of Tea Tree oil mattifying moisturiser to help prevent the spots which I knew would inevitably appear on show night.

We were confident of the routine. Cavatina (Deer Hunter) was long enough to bemuse and intrigue the audience, She Sells Sanctuary facilitated the reveal, Bohemian Rhapsody would engage the audience and Get the Funk Out would be the technical showcase of air guitar. The whole thing clocked in at 1:54 and we hoped that no part was long enough to bore someone. OK, it relied on the audience cutting me some slack when Cavatina came in but every routine surely has to work and build to a big finish. When the researcher had contacted me, she had wanted the Fingerer. What made the Fingerer unique was the reveal. That was his USP and hence it was only right that it should be in the act.

The day came and I was up early. I'd shaved the moustache out of the beard that I'd been growing for a three or four weeks a few days previously, so all I needed to do was a little tidying up. Had a bath and donning the Hooded Fingerer hoodie that P had got me last year, headed into the office. I felt strange. I wasn't as nervous as I'd expected and was keen to get stuck in.

P did my nails and M put the Gun #1 and #2 on each arm along with the thunder flashes on the forearms and an 'eye' on my hand. I was hoping someone would ask the significance to which I would reply that I had a choice of either a star or an eye. I had the badges ready to go, along with my business cards and did a final run through of things I needed. I almost forgot the CD of the track which could have been an almighty mistake but thankfully P reminded me.

I left the office and cabbed it to the underground station to pick up the tube to take me to Hammersmith. I had everything I needed in either the ruck sack, the suit bag which contained the velvet robe or a poster tube that contained three red roses.

I found the church, where the contestants were being held, just round the corner from the Apollo and headed on in. The foyer of the hall was a little chaotic but it was nothing compared to the main waiting room. There must have been in excess of 100 chairs in the room with a wide assortment of different people in their. Troupes of young girls in matching outfits, single older people, pairs, couples and family members milling around to accompany these.

We had to register, which was filmed and I queued behind an old bloke before stepping forward and saying my name. I laid down a badge for the woman with a jaunty "this is for you" and she just stared at it. "wow, tough crowd" I thought.

I returned to the waiting room and seeing a spare chair on the far wall by a mound of sports bag eased my way through to it. Cameras were rolling to film interviews and there was an air of nervous anticipation in the air. I chatted to a couple of people: a roller skating act, a female singer, a disco dancer and even an all black dance act. They were really cool. Well organised, polite and confident but not in a cocky that tried to dominate the room.

This wasn't really my scene. Yes I'd love fame and fortune but I wasn't as desperate for it as some of the people there. My act wasn't my life and I wasn't expecting it to dramatically change it. I mentioned the earlier round of auditions and everyone seemed to have gone through them so I thought it wise not to mention that I'd been invited. At one point when a member of the BGT team walked past I asked where it was I could get changed.

Unfortunately my worst fear that I would have to struggle in some cramped toilet became reality as I was told it would be downstairs. I didn't rush to head down and waited for at least an hour and a half before heading down there. I discovered that the toilets were in fact four cubicles shared between the males and females. Thankfully because of the time I'd waited they weren't as busy as they could have been and I got to select the end cubicle.

At least this had the advantage of a window ledge that I could rest the rucksack and some other bits on. I laid down the bin liner that I'd taken as a precaution to prevent my feet getting wet and at that point a bloke in the next trap started literally and vocally straining out a shit. I couldn't help but laugh at the situation. This certainly was the big time, rock n roll lifestyle that I was hitting.

Just as I pulled on the second 'outer' leotard I managed to put some kind of black smudge on the material just to the left of my packet. Fantastic, this was going great. So off it came, along with the boots that I just tied up and replaced it with the spare doing my best not to apply any smudges to this.

Then on went the belt, the headscarf and the robe with everything else stuffed back into the rucksack. Gingerly I made my way back up to the waiting room where I expected a long wait. I wasn't sure if any of the footage being shot would be shown before the act and hence didn't want to let the cloak fall open in case it blew the reveal.

Time dragged on and my brother arrived along with M and P. The hours ticked on with little real indication of what time I might be on or when they might want to interview me. It would have been cool if there had been a live feed into the room from the Apollo to at least give us something to watch but there wasn't. Instead you made do with looking around at people practising their final moves or catching their eyes in a 'what have we got ourselves in for' kind of look.

At around 6.00ish they told me they were running a little late and that my expected performance time of 8.15 might now be closer to 10.00. I still wasn't really feeling excited or pumped up but after my interview I felt a lot better.

I'd seen the sound guy and cameraman looking bored when they were interviewing other people and vowed then when it was my turn I would do my best to try to involve them. I barrelled on over when they called and presented them all with badges. We got chatting and I think they got my style of being serious about entertaining but not that I was talented. I joked with the sound guy about making me sound good and pressing the masculine button. He said he's make me sound like Barry White.

One of the crew wrote down how the Hooded Fingerer was written in Italian Il Ditatore Mascherato which was cool, whilst the camera attached his badge to the microphone which was just to the left of the camera lens. Hence every time you looked at the camera, you couldn't help but miss it.

I think I got on well with them and hopefully I won't come across as too much of a prat when they cut it together (if they do) for the TV show. It seemed to light the touch paper for my confidence and when I returned to my friends I was involving more of the people around me, who were more chatty.

Just after 9ish they told us that we were heading across to the Apollo, so the entrants moved to the foyer of the hall before heading over en masse to the rear exit of the Apollo. We had to go down some narrow dark corridors until we effectively came up behind the stage.

The atmosphere was certainly more palpable and you could see on the ashen faces of some of those waiting to go on that it was definitely 'game time'. You could hear the audience and the 'No' buzzer was very loud. Although nervous I felt remarkably composed, far more than I had expected, and was almost helped by other peoples apparent worry.

Whilst I waited I handed out more badges, which were going down a storm with the back stage people. Some would come up and ask for more for their colleagues and all this really helped to keep my mind occupied for what was approaching. I reminded myself of the routine.

Be as slow as possible doing Cavatina. Don't try and rush it, keep your eyes shut, the rose firmly in place and remember that it's meant to stump people. We wanted a bemused 'what the hell' reaction before She Sells Sanctuary drops, I come bursting out of the cloak, the lights hit the leotard and we are go. Whilst they are still reeling from the explosion of red, the ever popular rock part from Bohemian drops in where they can join in and start identifying with the guy on the stage. That ends, I throw the guitar in the air, Get the Funk Out crashes in and I catch the guitar to launch into a technical showcase of air guitar.

The 11 strong dance act went on and received an amazing response with standing ovations and glowing praise from the judges. They came across as very slick, so it was no surprise. As a complete opposite to them, an Eastern European woman went on next who sang 'Don't cry for me Argentina'.

She wasn't bad, but she wasn't great but the audience just crucified her. The boo's, jeers and "off, off, off" cries were deafening and I was amazed that she didn't just leave the stage. Two of the judges buzzed her out but one kept her in and you couldn't help but wish the final one would just buzz to spare the poor girl the rather horrible venom she was receiving. I know a talent show needs a rowdy, vocal audience but this really was something else.

I was disappointed to be a member of the same race as the audience when the girl came off and I had to go up and see if she was ok. Amazingly she seemed fine and didn't look like she had taken on board the boo's and jeers. Maybe it sounded differently when you were on stage.

My time was fast approaching and the backstage TV people grabbed me for a quick interview. We had some laughs and even had a quick Air Guitar jam together. The act in front of me finished and I hurried over to wait in the wings ready for the green light. I kept telling myself that I was going to own the stage, that I was going to fucking own it!

Ant and Dec did a very quick chat to ask what I was doing. I told them some air guitar and that I had some badges for them. They seemed genuinely nice guys and I wish we'd had a little more time to bounce off each other. I pulled the hood up so it showed my face but covered my head and when the go was given, strode onto the stage.

It was a big stage and the auditorium was crowded with people, over 2,000 I believe. As I confidently strode out to the microphone which had been placed in the middle for me to talk on I was conscious that I didn't want to give the game away by showing the leotard, so I grabbed the front of the robe and slowed down my pace.

When I got to the microphone, I didn't know who was going to speak to me so I shouted out

"Good evening Hammersmith" which got a cheer.

I then realised that Amanda was talking, well her mouth was moving so blurted out that I was The Hooded Fingerer from Belvedere in Kent and I was going to do a performance of Air Guitar. There were sniggers at my stage name and they asked where it had come from. I replied that it was because I fingered the chords and was in no way salacious. They asked what I did for a living and I think were perplexed when I said that I worked for a firm of Graphic Designers. There was a murmur through the audience but I think this might have been because they couldn't pigeon-hole me as some kind of unemployed wannabe.

Even though the three people from the telly were less than 10 feet from me and my mouth was dry, I did still feel in control. They said away you go and I started to get the Air Guitar from the rack and put it over my shoulders.

I had said to the backstage sound guy when I gave him the CD that I would pretend to put on a guitar, plug it in, tune it and then give him the thumbs up. Unfortunately he must have forgotten this and the track started before I was ready.

Never mind, I closed my eyes and started playing out the chords of Cavatina as I moved to the correct position. No sooner had I done two chords and the first buzzer went. Jesus, I thought. I carried on and a few second later and another one went off. Christ, were they even going to let me get out of the cloak and perform the reveal?

She Sells dropped, I spat out the rose and came bursting out of the cloak. I felt something on my face and fearing that the hood had got tangled, yanked whatever it was loose. Only later did I realise that this was the headscarf. I powered across the stage, wanting to inject as much energy as I could into the performance and looked down into the front row at the audience who seemed to be cheering.

In a split second Bohemian came on and I moved back across the stage, planting a foot on a sound monitor at the edge of the stage as I banged out some strums. Again I looked into the audience and could see people clapping and cheering. Your mind takes in loads and I remember a blond woman with a white top and some kind of brown waistcoat or cardigan. I could feel the audience getting into it and then the third and final buzzer ripped out.

I was surprised. I don't think I'm talented but I thought the performance was short enough and had enough variety to get a little further than that. I also couldn't believe that it would be cut short during Queen when the audience were clearly getting into it.

I looked at the judges, whilst I retrieved the cloak from the stage floor. I wasn't defiant or aggressive but I know I looked straight at Piers. I don't know whether he was trying to read whether I was crushed or something but there was certainly a moment when I confidently met his gaze and returned it.

The judges looked at me and Amanda said something about aren't there championships for this, to which I responded yes and that I'd entered them. They asked how I'd done and I said 4th or 5th to which you could see them sniff with derision. "Yes it shows". Out of how many entrants they asked "about 30 or 40" was my response. They were deriding my air guitar abilities yet hadn't even given me the chance to demonstrate them.

Simon Cowell then said "You know, I just don't get this Air Guitar". I replied with "it's just meant to be entertaining" to which he contemptuously said "clearly not" whilst looking at the audience.

Of course it would have been great to have said "Well the researchers and executives clearly thought it was, because it was they that asked me to come on the show and perform the routine for you" but what would have been the point? They all gave their dramatic No's and I turned to leave the stage.

I shouted out a "Thank you Hammersmith" and gave them the Glover slap. Ant & Dec met me right in the wings and asked how it went. I said I was surprised and that there was still more to come but what could you do? I was then moved out of the way for the next act to be filmed before I could return to the behind the stage area.

I confess I was disappointed. Not because I wanted to win but I was genuinely surprised that I'd barely been given 10 seconds by two of the judges. It's common civility/courtesy when you've kept people waiting for nearly 8 hours to at least give them the benefit of the doubt isn't it?

I mean surely with my funny stage name, the cloak and the fact that I had a rose in my mouth something would have made the judges think "I wonder where this is going". I can understand if I'd been a singer and the first notes were off but when the act is a little different, you'd think they give you a little chance?

If anything, you would expect the audience to turn before the judges but they'd given me the benefit and were coming round to the show. It was the judges who were impatient and too important to grant an act some more seconds to find it's feet. I hadn't wanted special treatment or favouritism but it stung even more because I had given the show exactly what they had asked for.

They wanted the Hooded Fingerer, they thought it was different and entertaining and that is what I had given them. I'd extended the routine, got some additional props and although not taken seriously my belief that it was a 'talent' had certainly taken seriously the idea of putting on a show for them.

For my efforts I couldn't even be granted the decency of more than 10 seconds grace from Amanda and Simon. Perversely it was Piers (and you know what I think of him) that kept me in for nearly 45 seconds before pulling the plug. I know confusing the audience at the beginning is a risk but any performance has to build doesn't it?

I remained backstage as the TV crew wanted to interview me but needed to do someone else first. Some of the backstage crew asked for a few more badges and one even inquired about the Gun's on my arms. I told him how I'd intended to finish by kissing the guns and winking at Amanda which he loved.

The TV people then came to me and the presenter asked what now for the Fingerer? I smiled as I thought of a witty but very filthy response. I then thought bollocks to and said "Well maybe it's time to retire the fingerer and maybe looking at stroking, slapping or fisting". The interviewer cracked up and asked me to do it again but with the same answer. I did so and then said goodbye to everyone. I took the lonely walk down the corridors and across the road to the waiting room to disappointedly meet my brother and P & M.

I felt a bit foolish to be honest. I'd bombed, they'd not got it (the judges that is) and now they were going to make me look a complete arse on the TV. All the worse thoughts that I'd had about appearing on the show were going to come true. The act had tanked and the coverage if I got any would probably make out that I took it all very seriously.

My friends were good at sympathising with me and I quickly changed in one of the toilets. Even the ITV crew that had interviewed me earlier rather sweetly said how surprised they were that I hadn't got through and how they thought I was a definite for the semi-final.

We got a black cab back to the office and they told me of their perception from the audience side of things. They thought that after the Hip hop dance act no one was going to get as good a response as they had. The fact that it had over run so late might have had a factor in the judges lack of patience but from an audience perspective they said that although initially bemused the audience were turning. My brother said how people had cheered when I threw off the robe and how many had stood up and started clapping when Queen came on.

Hearing this made it even more of a shame that I hadn't just got to the end. I wouldn't have minded if I hadn't got through but if I'd at least entertained the audience and finished strong on that big bang at the end it could have been memorable for them. I felt bad as well for the efforts that my friends had made in helping with the costume and music and then coming to see me perform. I would say I'd let them down but I don't think I could have done anymore or anything else to change the outcome.

As my friends said, the show doesn't seem to know what it wants. One minute it's a serious attempt to find genuine talent and the next they are putting through people who aren't talented and are there to be laughed at and ridiculed. Maybe I fell somewhere in the middle. Not a marketable talent (certainly not for Simon), not gormless enough to be laughed at and not entertaining enough for TV.

I headed back home with my brother and we discussed it more over a cup of tea. I felt a little used. I know I probably sound bitter and apologies if I do but I did feel that I hadn't been given much of a chance. That I'd been dismissed with the flick of a hand even though I'd carried out what had been asked of me.

Over the course of the next couple of days I did debate whether I regretted doing it. The other contestants that I'd met had been interesting and the sense of camaraderie backstage was cool. Similarly, everyone I'd met on the production team, bar maybe the judges, had been kind, fun and helpful. It had certainly been an experience and was a further development of my alter ego. I hope it would make for entertaining reading on the site and I had lost half a stone off the back of prepping for it. I guess as the days go by the flush of unfairness will fade and we'll just have to see how I come across on the show, if they decide to use me that is.

 

Rocking Clubber music video. September 2008

So as I mentioned in my last entry I'd responded to that call for Air Guitarists on an extras website. After some email correspondence the people behind the music video got in touch and asked if I could meet up with the director to chat through some of his ideas. Thankfully he lived in East London, so after another client meeting (we've certainly been busy recently) I stopped in. Him and his girlfriend were really nice and we had a good old chat. I wasn't sure how much they were looking for but it seemed that he'd had this idea of a hooded/robed figure and when he'd seen my pics and profile I'd been like the square peg he'd been looking for. We talked through some of the other people that would be there and I gave them a little back story of the Fingerer came about.

I left there feeling pretty pumped at what role I might play in the video. From thinking that I would be in the background and you might have to pause it to pick me out it seemed that the Hooded Fingerer was going to have some kind of influence in the story and events of the video.

The night before was a frenzy of making sure everything was prepped for all possibilities. My brother had taken the day off so he could come along to keep me company and get in some of the crowd scenes.

The day didn't get off to a great start when we were delayed getting to the office by an accident on the Old Kent Road that must have happened about 10 minutes before our arrival. This meant that even though we were only about 500 metres from where we were picking the cab up we couldn't hook up with him. Thankfully he'd been delayed as well so when we rolled in half an hour after we'd arranged to be collected he had just got there himself.

He was a nice guy and made excellent time getting us to Hoxton Hall only 15 minutes later than when we were meant to. The downside was that he had the most rancid breath which I thought could be simply removed by opening the car window until I discovered that it had recently broken.

We hooked up with Chris who'd been the initial contact at Scopitone and he showed us up to a room where I could change. I pulled on my leotard and asked my brother to help me with pulling the back up. As he did so a tear developed in the rear seam. It was only about two inches long but you could see my pasty white skin beneath. Thankfully when I'd ordered the leotard the company had screwed up and sent me two so I quickly, and carefully, pulled on the spare. Before I did everything else I thought it best that I squeeze out a piss.

After finishing I squeezed, stretched and dabbed my knob yet once the leotard was pulled back up it decided to 'dribble' a little. Brilliant! I started rubbing it to dry it out and hope that it wouldn't stain, especially as it was in such a prominent area. Just at this point the director came bowling in and checking out the courgette that I'd stuffed down the front. They had asked me to look for a slightly smaller 'schlong' than the butternut that I'd used at the championship and hence the courgette seemed the most credible downgrade.

I must have looked great with the leotard straps around my waist attempting to rub away the piss dribbles on my leotard. Glamorous life this music video business.

Headed downstairs to a waiting area in all my gear and met the producer, Alex, who was a really nice guy. Gave him an HF badge which he remarkably put straight on the lapel of his jacket. I started filling out a form when I then managed to knock over an entire glass of orange juice and then compounded this by dragging my sleeve through it. The day was not going great at this point.

More people came in and I handed out badges to those that seemed friendly and which everyone seemed to be putting on, which was really cool. One of the podium dancers even came in and asked where she'd seen me before as she recognised me. It transpired that it was purely from the badges that she'd seen on other people. Headed back upstairs so the makeup girls could paint my nails black so they stood out even more. Both girls (Sarah & Carla) were really nice and I felt quite spoilt having them work on a hand each.

I was needed in the main hall to do some shots and thus headed in to start the filming excitement. I had to do very little to be honest apart from kneel down and pulse my clenched fingers whilst they took some shots and tracked in. They also had me doing slow eye openings and staring into the camera which although sounded easy suddenly seemed to become very hard. When someone asks you to slowly open your eyes and glare into a camera it's amazing how you suddenly find it hard to focus on where the camera is or worry that you are looking sleepy.

I had the cape pulled down low to cover my face and whilst I tried to take my mind off the pain/cramp that was slowly creeping into my thighs I considered my situation. It really was incredible that they were filming an item (the velvet cape) that I had brought with me and had used as part of my routine two months previously. What I mean is that in the aftermath of the 2008 championship I did have a moment when I thought that maybe I had gone to too much effort in my outfit considering the result, yet that very outfit was now helping to make me an integral part of this music video.

It was hard to believe that something that we'd sourced, stitched in the arms and hemmed was having such a real impact in the video. They were immortalising a real part of the Hooded Fingerer, my hooded fingerer.

After I'd been kneeling for about 45 minutes and had had side profile shots as well as ones up through my pulsing fingers they had to change the cameras and said I could take five. Man, I've never felt my legs be so badly fucked before. I flopped to the side and had to use my hands to straighten my legs out as there was absolutely no feeling in them.

Slowly the blood began to head back into them but with them came the most incredible pins and needles, though at least this was some form of physical reminder that my legs were still attached to me. I rolled onto all fours as life continued to return to my legs and literally crawled over to a pillar so I could use it to pull myself up. I've never been so rubber legged and I used the short break to move around as best I could.

I grabbed a quick glass of water before was called back into the hall to film some new shots. This involved another person walking in to kneel down and place a guitar case down in front of me. It was nice at last to be able to share the leg pain with someone else and also be able to trade some evil stares with someone.

I wasn't sure if he was going to take it overly serious but we exchanged a few verbal digs at each other to aid the staring. I told him that I was going to fuck him up and he responded in kind. I then had to open up the guitar case, pull out the air guitar and start playing with it.

That seemed to be it for the morning and everyone broke for lunch. I headed back into the green room which had now swelled with more extras. There were some crazy folks in there. The compere who wore a dark suit, top hat and seemed to just glare at everyone, his burlesque partner who wore a skin coloured micro skirt and bolero jacket with nothing on underneath bar the tassels on her nipples, the crazy tattooed guy with the spikes through his nose and screwed into his head, the two podium dancers, the four or five grade A honeys or the directors girlfriend, who I'd met on the Wednesday, that was basically wearing a bikini with a scoop of the fabric cut out of the back of the undies revealing a rather fetching expanse of bum cleavage and a pink featherboa.

One chap came in and sat down and I tried to instigate some conversation by asking whether he'd done any extra work before. He indignantly replied that he was an actor rather than an extra. I brought the conversation to a natural end and didn't bother with him anymore but I did find it amusing when I overheard him opening a conversation with another guy by asking whether he'd done extra work before!

There was even a Jack Sparrow impersonator who had the whole look and outfit down to a T. Furthermore he was a really nice, down to earth, humble bloke. He actually looked more like Luke Goss rather than Johnny Depp but his outfit was so convincing you didn't care. Still it's another actor he could impersonate. To give you an idea how good he was he'd done the motion capture work of Jack Sparrow for the latest Pirates of the Caribbean computer game. Apparently it had all started two years previously when he'd gone to a pirates fancy dress party and looked so good that people encouraged him to take it further.

We had a cool chat with him and his girlfriend about the trials of fancy dress, constantly being mistaken for Tom Cruise when in the NASA flight suit and how pleased he was that Johnny had confirmed his appearance in another Pirates of the Caribbean film. He seemed a genuinely good guy. Normally good looking blokes are arrogant arses but he hadn't let the attention go to his head and was still capable of warmth and humility. As my brother said he was one of those rare guys that you thought that if he was getting untold amounts of arse then I'd be glad because he deserved it.

I decided to brave another trip to the toilet and discovered that my kneeling activities had caused a tear to appear in the crossroad of seams right in my crotch. Now this was dangerous. Perform an energetic movement and we could be looking at a completely different reveal or just a lone bollock popping out. Either way as my brother said "Don't do any major high kicks because that video would find it's way onto Youtube quicker than anything".

We headed upstairs while the crew ate in the green room and I made a conscious effort not to put too much extra strain on my outfit. There were some fine women upstairs but as ever the chances of opening conversation with them were nigh on impossible. People were still people and pretty girls still knew they were pretty. Indeed at a club or bar you might think there would be a chance that a hottie might not be entirely aware how hot they were but at an event where they had turned up as an extra to rely on their looks, it was unlikely that they would be blissfully unaware of their attractiveness.

There was a young woman that looked like a slimmer, taller version of Nigella Lawson, her friend who had an air of the Jenny Agutter about her but had some of the longest legs I've seen and a sexy blonde dressed as an American cheerleader but who was accompanied by her beefy, dead eyed boyfriend who looked like he would kill you with a plastic cup if you so much as looked at his woman. Best of them though was this lovely tanned woman wearing shorts, shirt and a red belt. She had great legs, a wonderful rack and the biggest, most wonderful eyes. Despite the lunacy of my outfit I still wasn't sure if she'd even noticed me.

My brother was wearing a great outfit that we'd spent the night before deciding on what would be the most eye catching. He'd decided to go for an 'Usher' style look with crisp white trainers, dark jeans, a dark blue t-shirt, white linen jacket, white sunglasses and a white baseball cap. It looked awesome and I couldn't believe that despite the varied characters in attendance that there wasn't anyone wearing anything similar.

Whilst he headed down into the hall to film some crowd shots with all the other extras and the other air guitarists I at last collared someone to make a decision as to me getting some make up. I would have been up for having the full 'Kiss' style made up face but nobody would make a decision and not wanting to have continuity problems with my earlier look at camera scenes I thought it safe to go for some eyeliner. Once again the makeup girls were great. Fun, flirtatious and friendly.

I asked them to do the Gun # 1 and 2 on my arms and also the lightning bolts on my forearms so my arms didn't look too bland when I came out of the cloak. When I handed them the permanent marker and asked them to use that they did question whether I was worried about the 'poisoning' of my skin. Being an exhibitionist tart outweighs any fear of harm so I told them to press on. To be honest Carla, who did an excellent job of putting them on, admitted that using the pen made things so much easier and quicker.

It was time for my turn and I headed down to the music hall. I wasn't sure what to expect and what direction the director would give me. How did he want me to portray the Fingerer? I don't mean that from a serious actor point of view but rather after having filmed the 'Zen like' stuff earlier would he want me to play it reserved or wild?

What he did want was for the 'reveal' to come after the guitar solo that happened about two thirds into the track. This would be tricky because it meant keeping hidden the leotard whilst moving around and also that the big sleeves did cover a lot of the strumming hand movement. From having thought he'd have an action plan of exactly how to play it, he just said 'lots of energy and go for it'. I confess to feeling a little hesitant and self conscious. I had the rent a crowd in front of me who I'd seen whispering to each other and sniggering at my costume plus at least seven other characters behind me who would be doing their thing.

Suddenly the sense of fun was replaced with a 'gulp' and sense of 'shit, I've got to perform'. The track started and I moved around, did the solo, burst out of the robe and played to the crowd but it all felt poor and lacking any 'zip'. I didn't feel I was doing myself or the director justice. I couldn't figure out how to play the track. There isn't much guitar in it so if I tried to 'air' to that it looked boring but if I moved to the beat then how was I this master of air guitar?

Should I have been moving at all before the reveal to heighten the moment?

Should I look at the camera or ignore it?

Play to the crowd or treat them with derisory contempt?

Furthermore the crowd were completely different to what I'd previously encountered. At the championships they'd responded to my actions, music choice and reveal. I'd drawn energy from their reaction and vice versa. With these guys they were just there to bounce up and down regardless of what I was doing. I went again and fluffed up the reveal as well as the LED diamonte buckle swinging loose and switching off.

I began to find a little rhythm but before every time I came out of the robe the sense of separation from the audience was very real. I remember looking up to my brother who was in the balcony section and he gave me a thumbs up but I still wasn't feeling it.

One of the performers behind me asked whether I was a professional air guitarist. I couldn't deduce whether this because I was shit and looked amateur or because of the opposite. On one occasion we did a slow motion take and another where they filmed the crowd by coming up and over my shoulder. As they did this I retreated further back up the stage. Looking into the 'crowd' of 30 or so extras you really couldn't not notice my brother so I'm really hoping that he is visible in the finished product.

I came off whilst they changed the cameras and positioning and then we filmed some more of the compere, the other air guitarist, the Russian dancer and then me. I felt a bit better the second time round and still with no idea of what I should and shouldn't do tried to interject a tentative kick, pointing fingers and some stares into camera.

During all of these takes the lovely girl with the eyes was always in the front row of the crowd and we'd exchange looks, especially when after the reveal I would be thrusting my groin at the audience. On my last take I deliberately held her gaze after I burst out of the robe. Although she knew it, she was very sexy and I felt we had a 'moment'. Ok, it was nothing romantic and probably meant nothing to her but even though filming I couldn't help a little chuckle escape me when I eventually broke her gaze to move around the stage. When it finished she raised her hand up to slap my leg or perform a high five, I'm not sure which, but I did a low five with her.

Now I realise that might seem that I'm acting like some kind of over earnest geek thinking 'oh a pretty girl looked at me'. I'm not but I can't deny it wasn't nice having the attention and sharing a moment of connection with someone pretty. She moved up into the balcony section as they filmed some final crowd shots and I got the chance to look up at her for once. She knew I was looking and at one point performed this unnecessary stretch / lean over the railing to swell the size of her bosom. It was clear that she was used to guys staring and wasn't uncomfortable with being the centre of their attention.

By 5.30 it was a wrap and I started saying goodbye to people. I managed to find the girl with the eyes and thanked her for letting me look in them when I was on stage. I was going to tell her what great eyes she had but everyone assumes that's just another way of saying what a great rack you have! I also gave her friend a card of the website to give to her as she popped into the toilet to get changed. Naturally she hasn't been in contact but I didn't really expect her to. I need to have been a bigger star, be younger, more fit and have more money for her to even consider taking a second glance. Still handing her mate a card is the same as doing a line of lucky dip on the lottery. Highly unlikely but you never know.

I got changed back into civvies and after thanking all the crew (Tom Cruise does it so why can't I) and getting my appearance fee - a full £50 I'll have you know, we headed off. The director has to deliver the finished product on the 15^th October and he said that he would try and get a copy to me after that.

Brother and I headed back to the office and after filling in one of my colleagues who had stayed late, shot over to our favourite Indian to discuss the day. It had been a fascinating experience and I think I'd made some kind of impact. Lots of waiting as I'd heard people say many times before, a real feeling of transience that a diverse range of people had come together to then probably never see each other again but that would be immortalised forever in film. I was still disappointed with my performance and felt that maybe I should have done more.

I don't know what I could have done differently. Maybe gone a bit more freestyle or crazy. With hindsight it seems there was a lot more chance for me to do my own thing than I'd ever expected but I was always mindful that it was the directors vision and not mine and hence didn't want to do things that would contradict the idea or story within his mind. Although I wasn't happy, the makers seemed like they were and that's the important thing.

The crew were really cool and all had their little roles. The assistant director seemed to be the organiser and kept everything moving along whilst Mike the director, was more bouncing around with vision and big picture in his mind. But everyone was always friendly and polite and it's something that I would happily do again.

My brother made a good point when he said that at the competitions, I was co-ordinating my routine to specific tracks that had been chosen by me to provide the necessary hooks and highs of the performance. On this occasion I was doing it to a track that wasn't really designed for guitaring and was also going to be married to my actions in whatever way the director thought best to go with video. The most important thing was to give him plenty of generic stuff to use.

If the video manages to capture all the ingredients that make up The Hooded Fingerer such as the cape, the reveal, the leotard, the headscarf, the temporary arm tattoos and maybe one or two decent moves then I can't really be any happier. After the exposure that I got in the documentary on Air Guitar Nation I think this will be a really cool way to sign off. It's funny how on the morning after the championship I did feel a little silly that maybe all the efforts on the new robe and tunes had been a bit wasted but without them I wouldn't have got the great photos that David took and in turn from them I wouldn't have got the music video gig. I guess everything has a chance of somehow rolling onto something else.

You'll all be delighted to know that the music video is now available in glorious hi definition. Meaning that you can now see every strain, every ripple in my belly and every look of sexual longing from the female members of the audience towards me. Just click on the HQ button along the bottom of the youtube bar.

Rocking Clubber video 

It was surreal watching it for the first time, especially when I knew what went into the making of it. In a way it was uplifting to see the Fingerer immortalised yet sad because the waiting was over, if that makes sense. When I first saw it with everyone in the office I did have a moment about 50 seconds in thinking 'Christ, am I actually in this'. The other air guitarist, Turak, had some good moves and I can't deny that the guitar smash was very well done but then I got a glimpse of my eye from under the hood and those 'pulsing' fingers that they had spent some time filming.

The playing the guitar out of the box looked cool, especially with the black nail varnish against the black of the robe but the reveal was very pleasing. Initially I thought maybe I could have done better but Mike the director really did get the best shot as the cape fell away turning from black to red and I seemed to snap out my left arm to start the guitaring. The Gun and Lightning Bolt tattoos really stood out and I'm so glad that I got them done otherwise my arms would have looked very bland.

I don't know whether Mike had read on my journal about the 'moment' I had with the babe in the front row or that our intensity & chemistry had simply set the footage ablaze but I was delighted that he'd captured her looking up and interacting with me. Granted she is very good looking and hence the camera would focus on her but he's managed to make it look that she was crazy about me and couldn't wait to get back to my hot tubbed trailer! Oh the power of video editing. All the characters were there from the shoot and it is a testament to the director and crew how they made it look like one crazy, happening, buzzing venue. Jack Sparrow thankfully gets some good air time as does the DJ, the fire juggler, the dancer and even the rather moody compere.

I wish my brother had got more exposure but as he conceded, the extras were really there as filler as opposed to being stand outs. Still, our efforts to ensure that he stood out as much as possible means that if you pause the video at 2.40 you can see him looking wicked in all his white gear and really getting down with his bad self.

It's difficult to talk about the video without coming across as vain, deluded and attention seeking. Maybe I am and like talking about myself far too much. I guess reading this site, you already know that but I can't deny that when I do something I like or is funny I like to embrace it. I don't think I photograph brilliantly or am that interesting so when I do like my look on a given day or have done something different, I like to talk about it.

I don't think I could have asked for more from the video. The director put in all the elements of The Hooded Fingerer and I'm eternally grateful to him for his craft and for letting me be in his video. Naturally my gratitude also extends to those at Scopitone, Air Guitar UK for letting me know about the casting call and to my family and friends who encouraged me to go for it. I didn't mean that to sound like some kind of acceptance speech but I just don't want people thinking that I'm forgetting all those that made this happen.

 

UK Air Guitar Championships. August 2008

Well the days counted down to Air Guitar and the trepidation built. There was more pressure this year I think, as I tried to improve on last year's performance and also to see whether the experience could be as good.

The following week was prepping for the event. I got my online entry in, purchased the butternut and did some dress rehearsals in the office. The badges arrived, which I thought looked pretty cool. I know it sounds egotistical but I just thought they would be fun to hand out or even throw out into the crowd. I had the performance nailed but by the final few times I felt it was beginning to miss it's 'zip'. Almost as if I'd practised it so much that it was beginning to go away from me as opposed to still climbing up the hill to perfection.

The day arrived and it was do or die. I'd shaved a biker looking moustache into my face, which if you can imagine looked like an 'n' going along my top lip and then bracketing my mouth straight down, over the chin and down the neck. It looked pretty impressive and a model of what I'd tried to achieve the previous year. M put the Gun # 1 and Gun # 2 on each bicep and added some lighting flashes onto the inside of my forearms. With the black nail varnish that I'd applied, I thought the red and black contrast looked really cool.

I left the office early to get changed at M's and we took a cab up to Islington. There were some nerves but they were different, maybe because I knew what to expect this time. I got there, signed in and headed up to the 'green room'. The atmosphere was strange. There were plenty of regular faces who all seemed to have been immersed in the air guitar scene more but yet hardly any of them had seen Air Guitar Nation film. There just seemed to be another level of 'clickiness' that I wasn't part of. There was this cocky American who I took an instant dislike to when he rudely interrupted a conversation I was having to introduce himself. I thought he was a knob yet others seemed mesmerised by his bullshit.

The main organiser had asked me to get there a little earlier to do some press interviews but nobody seemed to want to conduct any interviews and the organiser remained his normal aloof self. It's funny that he's happy to use my image for marketing his event but yet when I arrive couldn't be less interested in speaking to me. I'm not saying that he should be all over me but you'd think he'd want to chat to someone who so fully embraced the event.

I found myself minding my own business and probably coming across as arrogant, which I certainly wasn't trying to do. I was happy to talk to anyone but just not mill around, hanging on someone's shoulder. The photographer who'd been there the previous year asked to take some more photos and he said some really nice things like how memorable I'd been the previous year, should have won it and had been the main photo for a piece that featured in The Guardian.

We headed downstairs and I got interviewed for a podcast programme called The 11th Commandment. The presenter seemed a fun bloke and we had a good laugh and a chat. He was also performing on stage as Johnny Hotsausage. I gave him some him a last minute tip about keeping his left arm bent and reasonably still, so as not to emulate my wild swinging around from the previous year. I'd heard people coming off stage talking about how their tracks were longer or shorter than they had expected and someone even commented that as the sound guy was playing them on a DJ mixing CD player, the pitch had been cranked right up.

They had changed the flow of the event from the previous year. Instead of having the 30 second elimination round with the chosen few going through to play the whole 60 seconds, everyone got to do their 60 second routine. This might have been fairer but I personally don't think it worked, as it meant the audience got bored. I think it is far stronger when they see a short piece, which allows them to identify with a performer and in turn look forward to seeing them again if they make it into the 2nd round.

My turn came and I headed out onto stage. We had cut the minute track so that it would start with the Halo theme performed by Steve Vai. The monk like chanting at the beginning really worked well with the hooded cape, especially when the guitar piece came in and you had the neck slide. We'd even cut in Bjorn Turoque's quote from the Air Guitar Nation "To air is human, to air guitar divine" over the very beginning of the track. I thought it was inspired but I think hardly anyone picked up on it.

From the neck slide Pearl Jam's Even flow kicked in as I flung off the cape and stepped out in the bright red leotard. After being told last year that I needed to work on technique and control my flailing left hand I was keen to nail out the moves. Pearl Jam finished to be followed by the stellar guitar solo from Extreme's "Get the funk out". I had some good moves on that and was building to a big finish when the DJ cut me off with 2 seconds to go. We had timed my track with a stopwatch and it was dead on 60 seconds but he clearly hadn't noted the second or two of nothing at the beginning of my track.

It was hard to hide my disappointment and I did turn round to give him a withering stare. It was all a bit of a blur really. In some ways it had gone quickly yet in others it had really dragged. I couldn't really hear much of the music when I was on stage and the audience seemed less responsive than they had the previous year.

The judges gave their opinions and decided that this time that I was too static. They did ask me what I thought and I did begin to bite by starting to want to say 'well last year it seemed that tedious technique was more important than anything and now it seems that it's more important to jump around the stage". Thankfully I managed to stop myself and bite my tongue before I sounded like a bad loser. I just said that I wanted to entertain the audience and that was all.

I headed off stage and didn't even bother throwing any badges into the stage. I knew that they hadn't liked the routine or seemingly appreciated the stellar tracks that we'd put together but what the hell. I watched some other performances from upstairs and there seemed to be no consistency in the marking. There was a guy that went a few after me who seemed to have technique and stage movement yet they hammered him!

Midnight Moses came on to do a great routine that started off with him playing the music from the pink panther before knocking off his hat revealing a shock of long hair and kicking in with a heavy rock version of it. It was a great performance and I chatted to him backstage where he impressed me with his humility and his dis-interest in hanging with the screaming, attention seeking fuckwits that were backstage. I know it might seem silly me slating someone for saying they are attention seeking when I'm in a red leotard and had made up badges but that was part of the show as opposed to me actually believing it.

They called everyone back to reveal what six had made it through to the final and to be honest my disappointment had sunk to the point that I didn't want to be called even if I had made it. I headed back up and round saying goodbye to the nicer people that I'd met and came down the stairs at back of the crowd. My brother was waiting there along with my work colleagues. They filled me in on their take of the event.

They felt the crowd was different and with nearly 30 different acts coming on thought they'd become bored and dis-interested. The six finalists did their play off and to demonstrate the inconsistency of marking, five of them were evenly tied so they had to play off again. You could see people leaving and there certainly wasn't the same atmosphere that had existed the previous year.

I had some people come up to shake my hand which felt really nice and I gave them some badges. One group of girls came up and made my night. They asked to have their photo taken with me and then said how they had seen me when they had booked their tickets. They said they couldn't then believe it when I had then come on stage to perform. Kindly, they said I had been robbed and naturally I gave them some badges. Their comment brightened my mood because it meant that someone had wanted to see me and my appearance had made a difference.

We headed off when Midnight Moses was announced as the rightful winner but again there didn't seem to be the playful crowds as people spilled out into the evening air. I know it sounds like sour grapes saying 'oh it wasn't the same as last year' but it did feel different but I understand if you think my reception is clouding my judgement.

We saw my cousin to the underground, me still in full regalia, and then hailed a cab. I should have gone to the toilet before we left but the thought of pulling my leotard down at the venue had been too fraught. On the cab journey back I wish I'd had though as the desire to take a piss became unbearable.

By the time I fell out of the cab at my friends house I was nearly doubled over with the pain. I'd never felt anything like it. I guess the adrenaline had kept it all tied up but now my body couldn't hold it anymore. Things were so bad that I knew I couldn't make it up to his flat and with his permission had to clamber into the bushes in the communal parking area to relieve myself. I must have gone for at least two minutes!

We discussed the evening over the usual feast of KFC, which always helps brings one back to earth. I can't deny that I felt a little deflated and almost a little silly for the time and effort that I'd expended. Hearing further stories from my friends it seems that when the compeer introduced me she did so as "the most photographed person in UK Air guitar" and that when my low scores were read out somebody chucked first a bottle and then a cup at the judges.  

I'm glad I did it and I think I put on a good show. I think if I hadn't gone back I would have always deluded myself that it would have been full of busty teens shouting out my name! I've since spoken to the photographer on the night and got some great pics from him. So with those (You'll find one at the head of my Growing Paynes gallery) and my appearance on the DVD, I think it's time for The Hooded Fingerer to retire. I've done everything I could with him. I think I added something to the scene but maybe the Fingerer could find a role in world politics. Maybe he could put his finger in the dyke of human injustice!

Here is a link to a piece that ITN did of the 2008 event

ITN piece on 2008 event 

 

UK Air Guitar Championships. August 2007. When it all began

Wednesday came and M reminded me that the 2007 UK Air Guitar Championships was on this coming Friday. It seemed about a month earlier than it had played last year but we'd had such a good time that we agreed we would go again. Mentioned it to my brother and also my mates brother. We began to chat about the idea M had had last year about how cool it would be if someone came out playing Cavatina (Theme from Deer Hunter). The website did say you could play either acoustic or electric guitar but everyone plays electric and at least half of the contestants play real hard rock. Hence the idea of coming out playing Cavatina was risky but brilliantly original. I loved the idea of doing something so fresh and we loosely chatted about it.

What we needed was to be able to play some Cavatina before then ripping into some wicked guitar. You just needed long enough to let the audience see you were doing something different, teeter on the edge of losing them and then swing them round onto your side even harder with a return to what they were expecting. We joked about how you really needed to change what you were wearing to ram home the transition even more and attempt to deliver a real show in a short space of time. We let our imaginations go and I toyed with what I could wear. Hand dyed pink vest with maybe some linen trousers. I'm sure I could find something if I wanted to.

At this stage it wasn't really serious and more just an exercise in what we could have done if we'd had more time. My brother had been working with M's brother (R) and when he popped in at the end of the day he asked if it was true I was thinking about doing it. I said that if we could sort out the tunes I'd certainly consider doing it. He was made up and said he would start thinking of the all important name and look for clothing options when he got home. I thought I'd have a look on iTunes at some tracks that might work. I had in my mind that dropping the main intro of the guitar from One Vision by Queen right after Cavatina might be pretty cool as well as being instantly recognisable. 

R started texting in potential names as he drove home: The Streatham Strutter, Prince Plecktern, Satan's Minstral, Iron Madam, Maiden mayhem, Mayor of Debonair, Methuslia of Metal (v impressive), Lemmy's lingerer, The Hooded Fingerer, Derek Clapped On.....etc

I knew I wanted three tracks if it was possible to create a mix CD. First would be Cavatina, then something recognisable that would whip the crowd into a frenzy but didn't need to be a technical track and finally something that would carry them through to the end. I listened to 20 second segments of quite a few tracks. Dire Straits, Survivor, Status Quo, Bon Jovi and even Bryan Adams. In the end I got it down to 14-15 seconds of Cavatina, then either She Sells Sanctuary or One Vision and finish with one of a couple of choices. I called it a night in the office with the start times noted down to the second if we were actually able to mix a CD together. I'd had a look round the Mac's but couldn't see how to do it.

Hence the next day I came into the office still unsure of whether it was going to happen. There was a little trepidation but I didn't think we would have the software packages to be able to mix together three tracks onto a CD. If we could, which would allow the concept to fly, then I would give it a go. M sat down in the morning and had a look at it and got it working. He seemed to pick it up ridiculously quickly and after some consultation with the rest of the office we decided to go for a mix of Cavatina - She sells sanctuary - Freebird. It got burnt to disc, we tested it in my car and we were ready to go.

I popped next door to R who'd brought in some bits and pieces from home, including his 10 year old daughters red leotard. I went into the toilet and attempted to pull it on. It was tight but the lycra/nylon mix meant it stretched to cover my frame. It made for one hell of a sight. Thank god I am in such good shape! I walked back into the office, completely taking them by surprise and generating a good few laughs. It was clear that the outfit was so tight that I wouldn't be able to underwear or that if I did it would have to be a thong or something. Colleagues suggested having some pants on the outside to hide my modesty but that would take away from the impact of the outfit. It's best to fight fire with fire so we headed up to the local Aldi to get some things to stuff down the front to distract the eye and hopefully generate another laugh. I came back with a banana, a courgette and a butternut squash and after trying them all out decided on the butternut. It was the most ridiculously over the top of the three and also the closest to resembling a cock.

I filled in my online registration form and had to decide on the name. There were so many good ones to choose from and we also came up with Red Zeppelin and Jimmy Page 3 (great boob connection there) but I decided on The Hooded Fingerer. The snigger that it generates when you first hear it and it's connection with how I would look when I first came out was enough to close the deal. I would later decide that the red leotarded alter ego could be The Mayor of Debon-Air.

The entry form asked for Musical Influences - The Carpenters, Roger Whittaker, Jean Michel Jarre, John Barry, Armin van Buuren, Bon Jovi, Lynyrd Skynyrd

and a description of my style - Urban chic meets village idiot. A heady combination of confidence over talent, culminating in bestial roarness fuelled by breasts, bolognaise and rock'n'roll!

I hit send and that was it, the deed had been done. Granted I could still pull out if I got cold feet but with the effort that people had already expended I wasn't going to be quitting. Besides which I had confidence in the orginality of the concept. I called my cousin to see if she was interested in coming and it was pretty cool to be able to say.

"If you are interested we are going along to the Air Guitar Championships in the Carling Academy Islington tomorrow night. Oh and I'm entering."

Home time for the others rolled in and I began the process of practicising the moves. With the contest on Friday night I only had one night to get a semblance of a routine down. I'd brought in the hooded robe from the Yoda costume to wear whilst I did the cavatina bit. This would then be kicked off as I dropped into the The Cult (she sells sanctuary).

To be fair it was having done the dressing up in the Yoda outfit on the platform of Bank DLR that gave me the confidence to know that I could pull it off. I'm not saying that I wasn't a little nervous but knowing that you've got support in the audience in the form of friends and relatives is far better than having to get into an outfit with nothing surrounding you but staring eyes. I continued practising into the evening struggling with my keeping my arms in check as I danced around. The removing of the robe seemed to be taking some time and getting down the definable moves a little frustrating. Still, I was cram loading the night before an exam so I knew it was going to be rough and dirty.

I even typed up a quick playbook to keep myself reminded of what I was going to do.

Cavatina - Slow walk, strum. Diagonal, look left and right
She sells sanctuary - Run and jump. Strum out the tempo. Strum out the tempo low.
Freebird - High vertical guitar. Lean back, horizontal guitar. Lean further back, horizontal guitar, tongue out. Jog/Dig across stage. Spin back across stage. Move across stage firing guitar machine gun. Hop back across stage.

Even dancing around for a minute was tiring and sweat inducing and after a full dress rehearsal for P I realised that my outfit could be prone to a bit of sweat collection, especially around the lower back and nether regions. Drove home late, still playing the CD so I could get so used to it and know exactly where the changes would be. Practised a little more in the bedroom that night and kept telling myself to listen to the music, pretend I wasn't on a stage and let it give me the cues that I needed.

Friday came and everything was packed that I thought I would need. Although busy-ish the day kinda dragged. Had an unhealthy lunch and got the handover from P as she was off the following week. Applied some nail varnish to a couple of my fingernails (I like it and wished I'd done them all) and we considered some dramatic makeup but decided against it. I hadn't shaved all week and decided to shave a two inch line downwards from underneath my lip and over my chin. It gave me a rather interesting moustache/beard thing. Did a quick rehearsal for the people in the office, minus the outfit naturally, which went ok.

Through my correspondence with the organisers, I knew I needed to be at the venue for 6.00pm, hence I left the office at around 4.30 and headed up to M's. I asked him to come along with me as I didn't fancy battling my way to the location on my own and wanted the extra moral support. Got changed into the leotard with the butternut squash but it was so hot had to pace around in just that with it rolled down to the waist. This gave time for M to write Gun # 1 and Gun # 2 on my arms in permanent marker, as we thought anything else would come off. Jumped in a cab to Islington and I ran through the moves in my head again as we drove there. A little nerves were beginning to creep in. I'd had one bottle of Orange Reef at M's but this was all I intended to drink as I'd decided that I would perform sober.

We got there a little early and grabbed a quick red bull in a bar opposite where I recognised a couple of competitors from last year. We agreed that despite what I was going to be wearing right now I looked like a real chav. Shaved beard thing, orange hawaiian shirt, black Adidas track suit bottoms and chunky boots. 6.00pm came and we went round to the door and were shown upstairs. Signed a form to register, got given a number and was then asked to get changed in the toilets. Thankfully they were reasonably clean and hadn't had a chance to be blasted by a drunken crowd. Still it was certainly tight in that little toilet cubicle as I struggled to pull the leotard up and an over my shoulders, remove the boots to get off the tracksuit bottoms, put on the headscarf, re-arrange the butternut squash that was crammed down my front, apply a very healthy dose of deodorant spray and pull on the hooded robe.

I stepped out from the cubicle and a guy was washing his hands.

"Are you going in for the show" he asked

"No, just a normal night out" I replied

I returned back to M who took the rucksack containing all my crap. I didn't have any pockets on my outfit so he had to take everything for me. The woman handling the organisation and backstage running of the show asked if we could move through to get our photographs taken in the rear stairwell and then congregate in the green room upstairs before the show started. M stayed behind to greet everyone else when they arrived and I followed some others through into the back of the building. There was a nice sense of camaraderie building between us as we signed model release forms and posed for our three shots. Still, posed and action (invariably jumping).

I bumped into one of the organisers that I'd been emailing and he gave my ego a little boost by commenting how he'd been looking forward to meeting me and seeing what I came as. We moved up to the Green Room. I know in reality it wasn't the green room but rather just the VIP bar but fuck it, I'm getting into character here. I chatted with some of the other competitors but felt strangely reluctant to tell them a great deal about what I was going to perform. I wasn't being arrogant but I wanted it to be a surprise for everyone. I initially even tried to cover up my leotard so as not to spoil the reveal but realised that these people weren't the audience so I could lighten up a little.

I then spotted one of the three finalists from last year, Count Rockula. He had been great last year and had given the Hoxton Creeper a real run for his money. He was being interviewed by a camera crew but when he finished I went over, introduced myself and told him how good he was last year. He seemed quite made up that I had recognised and remembered him and we had a nice little chat. The main camera crew were interviewing other people and after I chatted to this one man band American cameraman/interviewer, they asked if they could interview me.

I heard other people talking with the camera crew about how they were entering for a laugh so when asked I gave them the truth about how we'd had a vision and a concept a year ago and just wanted our chance to try it. When asked about my chances to go to Finland I admitted that my journey was one of confidence over talent and that I didn't have the technical skills of some of the other guys to compete on behalf of our country. They brought Rockula back and we had a cool exchange of me congratulating him on his standing and him encouraging me in my attempts. We played off each really well as we were both 'hamming it up' and I hope it made for entertaining viewing.

The first round was only going to be 30 seconds long which I knew would give me a chance to show Cavatina and She sells Sanctuary but not go into any Freebird. As I said to the interviewer all I wanted was to get through to the second round and get my full 60 seconds to put across our vision. I appreciate this all sounds very melodramatic but I was at the time wearing a hooded robe, head scarf and a skin tight, bright red leotard so give me some leeway for 'living the dream'. I then saw last years UK winner, who'd come 4th at the 2006 world championships - The Hoxton Creeper. When he had a quiet moment I went over and introduced myself. Like Rockula before he was a really sweet guy who seemed really friendly and never stopped smiling.

Our moment of fame beckoned and the organiser called all the first round entrants downstairs to amass behind the stairwell in the order of the numbers they'd been given. As I left the Green Room I could seen down into the main arena. My mates, brother, cousin and her mates were there but there were very few others. Jesus, the last thing I wanted was to perform my routine to an empty, atmosphere free venue. Thankfully being number 18 meant that the others could warm up the crowd and at least ensure that others had made it into the place.

As we queued I chatted to some others in the group, clutched my bunch of roses and kicked myself for getting rid of my chewing gum. As I got closer to having to go on my mouth seemed to get drier and drier. A contestant a few places infront had his CD fail to play and naturally the notion of my CD failing and me dying on stage in a ridiculous hooded robe tried to creep into the back of my mind.

I was ready to be the next up and an organiser asked whether I wanted to walk out to the music or give a signal when I wanted it to start. I opted for the latter. I'd used a couple of pieces of magic tape to hold the garment closed and with a rose in my mouth and the hood pulled down low to obscure my face I walked out on to the stage.

A million things were racing through my mind. Would I remember what to do, would I be able to spit out the rose and get the hood off in time, would it just bomb, would I fall over. I stopped, turned back to give the nod and the music started.

I knew I couldn't use my face to convey the passion of playing Cavatina so I tried to use the movement of my head and body to get it across. I could hear the crowd begin to cheer, primarily led by my contingent, as I counted down the chords to The Cult. Just as it struck I pulled the robe open with one hand whilst simultaneously pulling the hood off my head with the other. Mercifully it came off like a dream and I managed to at least get a kick out as the main tune dropped in. The lighting behind me seemed to explode into colour and the crowd just erupted as I charged into the next song. I hit my marks but before Freebird could come in the music ended.

What a rush. The crowd  went mad with cheers and applause and it charged me up like nothing else. I roared back at the audience with a heartfelt 'come on' and did my best to drink more energy from them with a defiant beckoning. When I look back now and with the help of the videos I can see what I said immediately afterwards. At the time though it seemed to fly past in a daze and I think my body was trying to handle the huge surge in adrenaline that was pumping round my body. The compere started laughing and made a joke of my butternut, initially thinking it was my actual penis I believe. I gave her the rose that I'd came out with and amazingly she held onto it for at least a few more contestants.

The judges read the scores out (5.7, 5.8 and a 5.9) which I knew were good but only later was told that they were the best of the entire first round. I left the stage to more cheers and delivered my Danny Glover slap down which I know my brother would find funny. As I walked round the backstage some people clapped me on the back but it wasn't until I walked into the Green Room (I had to get it in one more time!) that I realised what other people thought. People that I'd spoken to in the queue whilst waiting to go on threw their arms around me whilst others relayed how impressive the scoring had been. Even the Hoxton Creeper came up to vigourously shake my hand and tell me how well I'd done.

I didn't quite know how to act. I knew technically that it wasn't brilliant but it was the entertainment that I had wanted to provide and if I'd given people something slightly different to enjoy then I was made up. The first round came to an end and we all trooped back downstairs to pile onto the stage and see who had progressed to the next round. I was confident that I had but I still didn't want to be cocky. The compere called on the six who were going through and it included me though the way she explained it meant that initially I wasn't quite sure. There wasn't any time to return to the green room as we queued up behind the stage to take part in the second round.

Well all I'd wanted was to have the chance to do the whole routine and I had made it through. Still the pressure was on even more to perform and try to do better. I wanted to do well but I admit I didn't want to go through to the final round as I felt the unknown track would reveal to the world that I wasn't that gifted. My act was meant to be a show and spectacle rather than technical prowess. As I still had the bunch of roses I decided to go for two this time.

I could hear some of the other acts going up and they certainly sounded good. Count Rockula went on after The Hoxton Creeper and seemed to do some of the same tunes, which I think might have worked against him. I did hear that he managed to work in a bit of James Bond which was classy. It was my turn again and I waited in the wings for my cue.

The crowds had packed in even more and I could make out some of my gang as I peeked round the corner. I switched on the diamonte LED belt that had the Mayor of Debon-Air scrolling across it, popped in the roses, sellotaped up the robe and headed out onto the stage. As the lighting guys knew the basis of my act they made more of an effort to spotlight me as I came out and played Cavatina. I think I was a little early with pulling off the hood and along with the roses bouncing over my head the cape fell to the floor where I knew my act would end up taking me to.

I got to do the Freebird bit which I think was quite good and moved across the stage as I'd intended. As I span back round I nearly stumbled over on my discarded clothing. On the video it didn't look that bad but at the time if felt like I was about to go careering into the lighting rig. I finished up strong and did all the moves that I had planned.

The crowd went mad again though I didn't feel it had gone as well as I'd hoped. The compere took over and read out my scores which weren't so good this time. Three 5.7's. The crowd began to boo the judges, which was very flattering, and she even had to try to justify the marking. I milked it a little bit and threw a rose into the audience in mock disgust before giving them the 'glover' slap and a butt slap for good measure. I knew that I wasn't going through with those scores but I was ok with that. The audience thought I should have, meaning that I had obviously entertained them, made them laugh and the concept had worked.

The film crew that had interviewed me upstairs found me behind the stage for another interview to find out my views after the second round. Rockula was there aswell and we fed off each other again to great effect. I asked the interviewer what the filming was for and he told me that when the film Air Guitar Nation was released on DVD in the UK in spring 2008, the documentary they were filming would be part of the special features. He also said that it would be about 10-15 minutes long. With the human angle story that I'd given them ie The dream, the vision, the concept coupled with my ridiculous outfit and 'chemistry' with Rockula, fingers crossed that I might make it onto the DVD.

We waited for everyone to finish their rounds before going back onto the stage to see who was going through to the final. I was glad to see that one of them was the Hoxton Creeper and I congratulated him on the stage to go all the way. We all filed off and all the second round contestants who didn't make it were now free to go back up to the Green Room (last time I swear) or leave. I elected to go into the crowd and headed through the double doors. I'd tucked my cape/cloak thing through my belt to cover my arse, which I was concerned might be a little sweaty and strode into the crowd. People started turning to congratulate me and it was truly great to see recognition in almost everyones eyes as I passed. I found my crew and threw my arms around them in a rush of excited emotion.

People pushed through the crowd to shake my hand, pat me on the back, tell me I was robbed, show me the video they had filmed or have their photo taken with me. It was truly amazing and certainly revealed how exciting being a rock star must be. I was floating on an air of confidence and happiness and was happy to talk to absolutely anyone. I stayed to watch the three finalists but what I should have done is pretend to go to the toilet and allow myself to be seen more by the crowd.

Ok, that sounds egotistical but christ this was my moment of fame. I might have been wearing a bright red leotard and a polka dot scarf but I had an opening gambit with virtually every person in the place. You could have put a grade 10 babe in front of me and I would have been over her like a cheap suit. I looked but couldn't see any girls in my immediate periphery that were trying to catch my eye but my ego told me that they were there but just out of sight! The Hoxton Creeper won again and rightly so from watching his mastery of a song that had been sprung on him and the other two a few minutes earlier.

The event finished with a stage invasion to play out a final song and with encouragement from my friends I clambered over the crowd railings, nearly kicking a photographer in the head to take my rightful place. Now that I was de-robed people joked with me about the Gun # 1 & 2 on my arms and I felt my arse nearly catch fire when I stepped back a little too close to one of the stage lights. Hot lights and sheer taut nylon are not a great combination!

The event was over and the lights were up and I was buzzing. As we left and the crowd thinned people still came over to have their photo taken and to clap me on the back. Even when outside a couple came over to clarify whether I was the Hooded Finger or Fingerer. How great that they had obviously been discussing me. I even had to draft M in when an older couple walking past congratulated me at the same time, told me what great entertainment I'd been and asked for an explanation on the 'guns' tattoo. I was totally comfortable wandering up Islington High Street in my outfit and wanted to be placed in the immediate vicinity of attractive women to take advantage of my non alcohol induced confidence levels.

Unfortunately we ended up in what must have been the only 'local' pub in Islington. For this I blame my cousin (she never reads this so she'll never hear!) and it couldn't have been a worse place to finish. Granted we could hear ourselves talk etc but I wanted to feel the hot gaze of hot women on my smoking outfit and bulging piece. All we got though was the attentions of this short, too tight t-shirted arse who kept staring over at our party and loudly proclaiming that this place was full of weirdoes. Had I not been in such a good mood I would love to have said

"What's your problem mate? How are we affecting you?".

To piss him off even more the Hoxton Creeper along with some other competitors and friends came into the pub. Naturally a rendition of 'Creeper, creeper, creeper' was in order for his championship winning status. I went over to him later and told him how great he was. He said some lovely things like how he was proud of me for what I'd done and how that when he first saw my performance he had thought 'this guy could beat me'. What an amazing thing to hear from him and what a great guy. He certainly has this stage charisma and his personality just comes shining out at you.

I eventually pulled my track suit bottoms on along with my shirt to my friends relief and we walked the girls back to the tube station. I'd had a great night but having that dose of being liked and recognised even if just in the actual venue was fantastic. I couldn't help but wish that more people that I knew could have seen me. Before the show I'd had been a little wary of having too many people that knew me being there to see me fail but after the event, when it had gone so well, I wished everyone had seen my finest hour. Drove back to M's with my friends giving me their recollections of the night from their side of the stage.

It was good to be out of the leotard and the seams had left lines right the way up the inside of my legs where it had been so tight. Over  a couple of cups of tea we discussed what a great few days it had been. How it had been such a collaborative effort, arranged so quickly and spontaneously and how it couldn't have turned out any better than it had. I was so glad that I'd done it and proud of myself for doing it. It would be something to talk about and remember for some time. I'd entered the 2007 UK Air Guitar Championship and had 'played' the Carling Academy in Islington.

Here is a link to a couple of videos on Youtube of my performance at the event.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=88TQ0C7gDT4&feature=channel_page 

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=FBs8LFzGOgE&feature=channel_page

And that's it. Bravo to you if you made it this far. Drop me a line if you did and I might be able to send you a rare and exclusive Hooded Fingerer badge!