Women working at a night out

I know I grumble about women and probably come across as misogynistic but I can't deny that when they decide to go for a night out, they put most of us guys to shame with the endeavours they'll make.

They throw themselves into putting on fancy dress, be first on the dancefloor in their little ring of steel, all be armed with phones or cameras to record the night, will have arranged cabs, lined up their drink offers, secured an early table as a base of operations and generally be making a real effort to have a laugh and a boogie.

 

Unable to admit being single and looking

What is it with women under 30 that they are incapable of admitting they are single and looking?

It's always that they either have boyfriends, which on further investigation aren't that serious, or that they just can't be bothered with 'playing the dating game'.

Why can't they be bold enough to admit 'Hey I'm not taken yet and if someone good enough comes along I might be interested' rather than purporting the myth that the only reason they are single is because they choose to be.

 

83% of women prefer a man with a sense of humour more than any other quality

I heard this stat recently and one has to say that after having lived a little, it’s clear that it is utter bollocks. When women answer these surveys, I think they answer on how they wish they thought rather than how they actually think.

What women really look for in a guy is looks, money, power or life enhancement. More importantly they want someone who is a significantly better ‘catch’ than the partners of their best friends. A sense of humour, along with being nice, dependable and respectful, come considerably further down the list.

There’s no shame in thinking like this, hell blokes do and we never try to dress it up with ridiculous notions that consideration outweighs a killer rack, so why can’t they drop the pretence?

Granted you might want a sense of humour in a life partner but you never go out looking for a life partner and you certainly don’t approach an average person or let them chat you up because they look humorous.

 

Warm months, hot women

Summer's imminent arrival is great but it does bring with it the knowledge that I'm going to see an awful lot of pretty, shapely girls in very little clothing that I'm never going to get to know or have a chance to meet.

The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

 

Pretty women talking to you

Let's face it, pretty women will only ever talk to you if you can offer them something they don't already have.

If you don't have that, then you are shit out of luck.

 

Women who put on too much make-up

What is it with women, and I admit it's not all women, who cake on so much make-up that their face is actually lighter than their neck and body. They go to the efforts of getting a spray tan or sitting under the sun bed to get a healthy golden colour only to then look like a two tone panda that's seen a ghost. The look is even more dramatic if captured with flash photography.

 

Girls, clubs and pop songs

Trying to read women in nightclubs is fascinating yet fraught. They strut in like the peacocks of the animal kingdom, feathers all ruffled, chests blown out and backsides prominent. Their gaze roams the room like a radar beam yet you can't tell whether they are just looking, being friendly or genuinely interested. Have they positioned themselves close to you because they are attracted or simply because there is nowhere else to stand. Are they happily partnered up, single but not really looking or out in a hunting pack.

The DJ drops Dirty by Christina Aguilera or anything by the Pussy Cat Dolls and they almost shatter their pelvis in a 'look at me' demonstration of virile flexibilty and excellence at 'grindin'. Songs that follow tell men that all the girls really want is someone to 'Push the button' and 'Baby make your move' yet follow this advice and all you're likely to receive is a slap or an instruction to chuff off. Oh the joys of attempting to interact with the opposite sex in a nightclub environment.

 

The best test for whether you genuinely like a girl

Have a wank. It might sound gross but once you've cleared both heads of sexual desire and frustration things take on a difference focus. Still think of her fondly and she could be the one but if all of sudden you couldn't care less if you saw her again then it might be time to draw things to a close.

If nothing else it will at least tell you what you want out of your time together.

 

Women wearing dresses with jeans underneath

Just what is this about. At one point I thought it was a ridiculous craze that would fade out but it just doesn't want to die.

In my opinion it just looks plain silly. Some have said that it allows girls to wear a nice dress but you never see the dress. All your eyes notice is the jarring jeans underneath. Others have said it's to hide the girls legs incase she doesn't like them. Surely you play to your best feature, rather than hiding your worst.

What next then a low cut, strappy top with a long sleeved halter neck underneath?

 

Some people never forget a pretty face

I've come to accept that I never forget a good chest. I used to think that it was a sick perversion but have found liberation by understanding that in fact it is a rare gift.

 

Women's appreciation, or lack of, other womens looks

Why is it that when a female colleague or relative sells up the beauty or figure of their new friend, colleague etc that when you eventually meet them they aren't that special. Is it that they see different things to us men or are just incapable of figuring out what it is we like.

A classic example of this is Sarah Jessica Parker. She's a dog that looks like the lovechild of Desert Orchid and Skeletor from He-man. Few, if any, men rate her yet women think she is lovely.

Maybe looks based comments only work when coming from the same sex. Get a man to say a girl is nice and suddenly other men are interested. Could this be a subconscious thing that once a man has effectively staked a claim or hoisted the flag saying he is attracted to someone the law of the jungle dictates that other men want to see if they can take her away from him and vice versa with women.

Who knows but I do know that very few 'pitches' from female friends have ever delivered the goods.

 

Special K girls

In an age of stick thin, sexless, shapeless female models I love how you can rely on the women in the Special K adverts to be real honeys. Nice faces, good hair, great swimsuits and always a natural figure with womanly curves.

 

Women who break up and say "let's be friends"

Right, so you want me to continue being supportive, paying for everything, organising everything, constantly working at keeping you entertained, making sure you are ferried around safely and listening to you moan about other guys but not give me what I want.

If you aren't interested anymore that's fine but don't assume you can still have all of the best of me. Life's too short to let you have your cake and eat it.

 

Getting depressed when I see beautiful girls

Man, I realise this might make me sound weak, fragile and sad but I've got to admit that whenever I see on telly a lovely girl that truly floats my boat I get depressed for about twenty minutes.

I'm quite specific in what I like (see below) and although I admit that there are a lot of pretty girls out there that I like, when there is one that fits everything physically like Diora Baird or Keeley Hazell then seeing them reminds me that there is never a chance that I will ever get close to them and the realisation seems crushing.

If I saw this person in real life the act of actually seeing her could remove the mystery. I would see that she was real and then if possible observe even the tiniest flaw to allow my fragile ego to believe in fact that No she isn't the one and wouldn't appreciate me.

The feeling only lasts for about twenty to twenty five minutes before returning to normal and realising how foolish I'm being. After the power of that initial sight the hopes and dreams of how much I'd like them to be my girl are mightily strong and take a few moments to crash back down to earth. Fleeting thoughts fill my head like does anybody take the time to really get to know these girls, what if we met on a plane or whether I could woo them if I won big on the lottery. 

Maybe its because I don't see enough grade A honeys in the real world or maybe just because I'm an obsessed, compulsive freak unable to integrate with the real world. I don't think I'm mad and these are just day dreaming fantasies that I'm sure everyone has, except that with my over stimulated imagination, my ones feel a little stronger and run to actually wanting to be with the girl rather than imagining a quick, simple shag.

 

So what do I look for in a woman

I'm sure you think that from all my rambles that I hate women. Far from it, I love them. I truly find them fascinating, intoxicating and invigorating.

I love how they can make me feel like a brave cave man one minute and a puppy dog the next. I enjoy them resting their head on my shoulder or rolling over at 4.00am and wrapping your arms around them before dozing back off to sleep. I like how they can make my heart pound like it's going to bust out of my chest and give me the 'saving private ryan' shakes, how I can smell them on me for some time after and how they can make me doubt myself one minute and give me a huge dose of confidence the next. I love the warmth of their smile, the twinkle in their eye and the smell of perfume on their neck.

Maybe its the power they possess that makes me write the things I do. I don't hate them but they do frustrate, they do infuriate and they do baffle.

But what do I look for in a girl. What would I want in an ideal girl. I realise this is pure fantasy as I'm well aware that my kind of girl is one that would be way above my station and one that I could not hope to find or indeed attract but what the hell let's run with it.

On the physical side I think I'd want them to be late 20's to early 30's. I like younger women as I find they have more energy, more youthful zest, electricity and a live for the moment attitude. Height wise probably between 5' and 5'6". I don't want tiny but there is something wonderous about smallish women, even if purely in making me feel more like a man when I'm holding them. I find big, natural boobs impossibly sexy and don't mind a little softness within the curves. I can't really comment on face. I mean who could describe what constitutes pretty but I do like a nice smile, kissable lips and lovely eyes. Hair colour I don't mind. I'm not a big fan of shoulder length hair as I find it so non-commital. Are you growing it long or having it short? I do have a soft spot for short hair on women with womanly figures. I don't know if it's the way the slightly more masculine hairstyle highlights and reinforces the feminity of the curves even more.

Examples of women that particularly float my boat would be Keeley Hazell (I've already discussed her on another thread). Michelle Marsh has such an exquisite face on such a wonderfully sexy body. Diora Baird, an amazing find and my latest obsession with a small but naturally curvy figure (she appears in the montage at the beginning of wedding crashers). Kate Capshaw when she was younger in the film Dreamscape, which has one of the most erotic love scenes I remember form my lust filled youth. Jennifer Connelly when she was younger in The Rocketeer. God what a face and body. Carla Gugina who was in Sin City and Snake Eyes. Short hair, killer face and a body to die for. Ruth England from Wish you were here, Mimi Rodgers and finally Deborah Caprioglio who was a wonderfully voluptuous Italian actress. 

On the personality side it would be someone who is quick witted and intelligent. I love the cut and thrust of sarcasm and flirtation. Someone with a zest for life who doesn't moan about being tired, who can smile or find humour when others are moping, someone who will try new things and pass on the enthusiasm of her interests as eagerly as she accepts or understands mine, a girl who lets her bubbliness lift the mood of others rather than her sulk deflate them, someone who enjoys movies and is capable of allowing her imagination to run with a film after having seen it, can savour the experience of watching a film and have the ability to articulate their thoughts on it, a person that loves music and can be genuinely moved and/or excited by it, a girl who isn't afraid to get her hair wet, someone who likes to dance and have fun, who looks good in either a black dress or jeans and a t-shirt and finally who is honest, fair, loyal, loving and affectionate.

An impossible wish list many will cry, followed by chants of I'm being too fussy and deluding myself that someone like this actually exists. That maybe the case but people do ask what my ideal girl is so there it is.

 

Women knowing, and only seeming to be attracted, when you are dating someone else

I know the supposed psychological reasons for this in that you become more relaxed and aren't trying so hard to impress but it is a fascinating ability that women possess.

I haven't been in a relationship for a couple of years now but it would be by luck that as soon as I find someone I will suddenly get loads of interest from a bevy of beauties. Not down to my looks or charisma but down to that even more powerful tool, Sod's law.

 

Fake tits now damaging the credibility of those gifted with naturally large boobs.

As if it's not bad enough that so many women are having implants, which as you know I can't stand (I'm not saying they shouldn't do it, just stating that I don't like them) I've noticed that it's beginning to impact on those wonderful women who were blessed with naturally big breasts.

Despite the actual woman, or you as an observer (and to this I mean commenting on a personality), stating that they are real everyone says 'No, they are fake'.  Case in point would be Jodie Marsh. Ok many might not like her but at least her boobs are natural. Yet many like to snipe at her with a sneering 'those aren't real' 

The same with Mimi Rogers who I was discussing recently with some colleagues. They looked at some standard photos and were like' No, they can't be real. They are too big on someone that slim' and just wouldn't believe me.  Take it from me, I'm an expert and they are real.  I find it frustrating so it must be even moreso for someone naturally blessed who keeps having their authenticity continually questioned. I guess this is just a by product of the multitude of silly tarts who get them 'done' to then claim three months later that they are in fact home grown.

 

Are women like crack?

You know they are bad for you. They cause you to think and behave irrationally, they lead you to become one minute bold, the next minute insecure, they can make you act like an idiot, make you spend hours thinking over the outcome of an action or statement, they can affect your social life making you temporarily or permanently drop your friends, they can change who you are and make you act out of character, make you become a slave to your email or mobile phone, make you daydream of what might come or fret over what might not yet despite all this get a message from them and you are like an addict.

All the negative thoughts are pushed away to secure your next fix whether it be text or email. Who cares if you think they are belittling you, who cares if you no longer have control, just give me my goddamn hit of ego stroking and I'll live with the consequences.

 

Women on nightclub TV shows

I love girls and the chance to see some honeys on TV is normally welcomed but there is no greater passion killer or female allure damager than seeing a selection of over jewellery'd, underwear mismatching, drunken slags getting their tits out, allowing a camera to be shoved up their skirt, attempting a lesbian snog or tonguing some equally drunk, over sweaty, groping muppet.

You might be craving some female interaction but at least you can console yourself that you wouldn't stoop to such chav lows.

 

Women fed a bum steer when it comes to breast enlargement

I think women are given incorrect information when it comes to deciding to having a breast op.

I mean a woman has a boob job to make her look more attractive to the oppostie sex and look sexier. They may say they do it for themselves but why then do they wear clothes to show them off. Who are they showing them off to if it isn't men? If the world was populated entirely by women would they still get them done?

50% of men it seems like small boobs (so they are already appealing to half of men to use these very basic stats). They get big tits to appeal to the other half who prefer big boobs, yet half of these can't stand fake tits.

So, in effect, they go from appealing to 50% of blokes to 25% of blokes.

 

Women who lose their identity once they have a child

Having a child must be a wonderful thing and I've already discussed on here the wonder of holding a baby but I do despair of women who seem to just completely lose themselves in motherhood. Prior to baby they might be Sue Jones (made up name) yet post baby they are happy to be just another character-less, personality free Mum. 

Before having the child they were a vibrant, intelligent, quick witted individual yet as soon as they become a mum their whole world revolves around the child and they lose sight of the person they used to be.  They no longer take an interest in other people, they only concern themselves with baby related stuff, surround themselves with a million photos etc of the child and are only capable of discussing with other people their children.

Yes, a good parent is one who offers love, care and affection but you also want the child to grow up and learn from it's parents. A parent's role is to open the childs eyes to other things and prove an inspiration but it if the mum's brain has turned to self centred mush then what can they pass on?  Yes, be loving but don't lose sight of everything else and make sure to make the child become part of your world and not you be part of its, otherwise it will never grow and advance.

 

Women on Faceparty, Tidy Addict etc

Women on these sites are very hard to fathom. You read their profiles where they talk about how 'crazy', fun, bubbly and adventerous they are, how they enjoy chatting to everyone, list their faults as talking/flirting with anyone and have irrelevant names like 'I'm the one', 'Take me now' or 'Sexy Becky'.

Yet send them a brief, friendly message that highlights something noteworthy from their profile and they just can't be arsed to respond, if they do it's only to ask that you rate them so they can be the best rated girl on the board or one that I had recently which was to send money to help a father trapped in Nigeria and for which she would be with me forever! 

You'd assume that if they had the time to sit down and compose a profile that a witty message as opposed to one requesting sex or  marriage might elicit a response. Of course maybe it's because I'm an ugly, over the hill, old fart but my inbox is emptier than an armless mans pocket's and my profile received less visitors than a Michael Barrymore swimming gala.

 

The moment you meet a girl and fancy them immediately

You worry that you have become so transparent that they can immediately see how much you fancy them. If you hadn't found them attractive straight away or they had a long term boyfriend and hence were unavailable then you would be funny, inventive and charming.

If you fancy them right off the bat AND they are single then your mind turns to mush and every sentence seems to come across as some cheap line to get them in the sack. Even a compliment that would be genuine on any other occasion seems tawdry and lame.

 

So desperate for female attention or the glimmer of being noticed

That even a girl giving you a beaming smile can be remembered for months to come and tucked away like a heart warming keepsake. Crushingly, the very fact that you remember something so trivial acts as a bittersweet experience.

Great that a woman noticed you, yet the very fact that it was such a standout memory simply highlights how pathetic your lack of achievement in interacting with females actually is.

 

Keeley Hazell

Wow, what a face and what a body.  Her face is so 'next door' that you can't help but look and think 'one day, could I ever....' before slapping yourself back to reality. And christ, her body is almost perfection for what I happen to like. Slim but with big boobs, soft skin, great legs, wonderful back etc........oh god, it's not fair.

The kind of girl that you hope someone will say that she has a shitty personality or is completely retarded as she is then easy to discard from your mind. The notion that she could look like that AND be a really nice girl is just too horrible to contemplate as it's so easier to deal with the concept that great girls don't exist rather than that they do but you will just never, ever have a chance to know them or get close to them.

 

How is it that women know when to pick you up and drop you?

It's funny you can get chatty with a girl, have a couple of really deep conversations and begin to think 'um, something interesting going on here'. Then all of a sudden you get no calls and messages and coolness at your attempts to make contact. You get annoyed with yourself thinking 'dammit I was enjoying that' and find yourself thinking about her a lot. After three or four weeks she drifts from your mind and you get on with other things.

Then about two or three months later, just when you have completely forgotten about them they contact you out of the blue, your thoughts flare right back up again and they start the whole thing again. Amazing how they know to wait just until you have 'got over them' before contacting you again.

 

Women liking bad boys

I think women go for bad boys for the excitement and nothing else. They assume that someone who treats them with respect and consideration is boring and a sap. Some women seem to assume that to be alive in their younger years they need to have dated a bad boy and can then look for a more stable guy when much older. When it dawns on them that she can't change or tame these morons and maybe their 'badness' isn't that attractive then they come looking for the nice guys.

Well no, I'm not going to be your second choice, I don't want to be your make do, 'oh he's a nice guy who will treat me well' and I don’t want someone who has given the best years of her life to some cheating, arsewipe. Go fuck yourself I say, I don't want you to have chosen me because I am a safe port and my perceived 'boringness' is a good foil to the wild life you have lived before. Yes I'm bitter but I don't see why I should have the sloppy seconds of all the bad guys out there because these women have woken up.

Worst of all though are women who bitch about their men. Well if you are stupid enough to realise his faults and tolerate them then put up and shut up. There are enough nice guys, who aren't boring, out there to make me feel no sympathy for a woman stuck with a bastard.

 

Summer - Women - Driving = Dilemma

You are driving along, spy what looks like a nice looking honey from behind and have to make the decision of whether she is 'ok' and will make do with a cursory look in the rearview mirror or an absolute 'babe' that deserves a potentially dangerous full neck crane round to check out her form.

Be safe and check the mirror or risk death by taking your eyes off the road and checking out some arse, what a dilemma.

Also where do all these sunshine Sheila’s come from. I reckon there must be this huge warehouse somewhere with a solar powered door that opens when the sun appears, allowing them to pour out into the world before disappearing again as the final rays leave the land and the doors slowly close.

 

Who is worse?

Arsehole blokes who act like twats in club, pubs and cinemas or the silly slags that hang around with them, massaging their ego, giggling at their idiocy and making them believe that acting that way is ok because you will still get girls.

 

Sexiest physical part of a woman (obviously I love them for their minds first and foremost!) 

For me it's got to be big, natural boobs. I'm not talking swinging saggers on obese mamas but a pair of good sized breasts is just so goddam sexy. For me they are just the ultimate expression of feminity and I just love them. I know it's harsh against those with less but I just can't find a girl sexually attractive without a decent pair of boobs. The way they look and move under clothing, the comfort they offer when your head is on them, the way they feel when you are kissing a girl and the way perfume smells when placed between them. Jesus.

Apparently it's a genetic thing and is a programmed response for some men to see them offering the perfect pair bonding option for the creation of children. Maybe I've got an acute case of this but either way I love 'em.

Putting them aside, I'd say either a smooth belly without a pierced belly button and that 'line' running up the centre or even better a lovely exposed back. Just makes you want to run your hand or mouth all the way up to the base of their neck.

 

Shoulderless tops with exposed bras

What’s the point in buying an outfit to show off your shoulders or at least have them bare and then slap a clumping big black bra strap right through the middle of it?

It's like wearing a backless number with a vest or a skirt with a pair of trousers. Instead of seeing the shoulders, the low cut neckline if it has one or how nicely it’s tied round the neck all you see are these jarring, obtrusive straps.

 

Women moving around from pub to pub 

Tracking down the elusive gaggle of nice, friendly honey's is a constant problem. You just stumble across a haunt of them and they seem to move on like a group of nomads with no clues as to their new location. Even more frustrating is when you spy them one weekend and make a point of returning the following to find the establishment emptier than my message inbox.

And to all those uptight, pretentious prats saying 'oh no, women are people, stop pulling and wait for them to come along' - yes I've heard all this before. I'm not some ageing lothario or burberry clad chav who arrogantly assumes he can 'pull' anything', I'm just looking for some pleasing eye candy on a night out. There's a certain frisson of excitement when you are in a venue with a healthy proportion of women in it and when going out I'd rather experience this than a place stuffed full of guys.

 

Women who become famous for their figure and then lose weight as soon as they become famous

It’s a crying shame to see lovely women crumbling under the media spotlight and feeling that they have to lose weight to remain attractive. I see that Jessica Simpson, who has a wonderful, naturally curvy, feminine figure is losing the pounds off her frame, similar to Elle ‘the body’ McPherson, who a few years ago gained fame for her fabulous body and then began to lose pounds as soon as she hit the headlines.

It’s their original bodies that contributed to their fame. Could someone please take them aside, tell them that they don’t have to diet and to stick with their gorgeous natural body.

 

The problem with most good looking girls is that they know it

They have had men chasing them down most of their life (well at least since they became pretty) and hence have not had to develop other sides of their personality. Who needs to work on a sense of humour or an ability to maintain a conversation when you are having so much sunshine blown up you arse. In the end the only guys who can get through to them are similarly shallow twats who have even greater levels of confidence that could deflect a knock back. You can imagine that they have become so used to guys strutting around and performing in front of them like peacocks that being in a position where they would have to entertain someone or create conversation would seem alien.

Normal guys are left to look on and console themselves with the ever comfortable ‘nice but she knows it’. Although you know you wouldn’t have a chance at least this way you can console that you haven’t tried out a conscious decision that she isn’t good enough for you. Also if you did try anything you would have to come in at a different angle than the million other ways she has been approached and then simply be branded ‘weird’.

I think the only way girls like this can exist is if they have lived in a cave for the last 20 years, have ridiculously good and sensible parents who haven’t been grooming their spoilt little princess (exceptionally rare) or literally over night turned from a duckling into a swan. The final route is only possible if a normal guy is her first interaction otherwise she will be corrupted forever.

 

Female belt lore

So where are the rules about this then? When does a woman decide to have a belt to hold up her trousers and one to hang down low? When do they wear one on the waist and one on the hips? Is it possible to wear one to hold up your trousers and then another at the same time to hang low or is this just plain wrong. Is there a personal statement in which side the buckle is or how low it hangs. Do you women get a pamphlet explaining all the intricacies of belt law/lore on the purchase of said belt?

 

Fake tits

I know this is a personal thing and it must be hard for a woman if she is not happy with her image and wants to change it but I hate false tits. No matter how good a job they claim to be they always look unnatural. Too perfect, too firm and too round. Two balls of silicone nailed to your chest is not sexy and they are always too widely spaced.

Life is unfair I know and I wasn't blessed with a huge knob but what makes big boobs special is their rarity. They are supposed to be warm, soft and welcoming not cold, hard and alien to the body they are attached to. Being able to buy an imitation set doesn't make you sexy it just highlights the fakeness of your boobs and reveals the lengths your shallow vanity will go to.

The amount of young girls who have boob jobs and then make it into Zoo or Nuts is ridiculous. You can't buy sexiness from a surgeon. Spending 4,000 in Harley Street and wearing a white bikini doesn't make you sexy. Real breasts have a curve and a shape and a movement that can't be, in my opinion, re-created. Better to make do with what you have and just present them better.

 

Genuinely complimenting a woman in a club

Quite a few times I have been out and just thought what an absolute stunner, or how well dressed or what a great smile a girl has had in a club and just at the end of the night gone up to her and told her. I normally leave it to the end to avoid embarrassment and the thought that I might be stalking her.

I try not to do it cheesily and hopefully they see I'm being sincere but I've normally scuttled away before she has time to respond or cheapen the compliment by making it sound like a line. I’d love it if someone said the same thing to me and hope that if nothing else if makes them feel good about themselves.

I remember this one girl in a local club once. I could see she was engaged but she was very special in the way she was dressed, her body, how she behaved with elegance and in her smile. I said that I knew she was engaged and wasn’t giving her a line but just thanked for her for reminding me that it was possible to go out of an evening and see someone truly special. I know it sounds corny but you do go out and see the same old people, so to see a woman that almost shocks you out of the mundane deserves at least something. I left the club afterwards with a delicate handshake and without asking for her number so hopefully she felt it was genuine compliment and nothing more.